I NEED YOUR SUPPORT...

Real Choices is a student organization that advocates resources for pregnant, parenting and post-abortive women on campus and in the community. As president, I've been working tirelessly to host two final events on campus at NC State before I try not to wipe-out in my heels during my graduation ceremony on May 9th. Here's a brief description of those amazing upcoming events: 1) NCSU Student Mom Meet & Greet - Are you both a student and a mom? Real Choices is hosting NCSU's first 'Student Mom Meet & Greet" at Lake Johnson Park (Shelter 1 to the left of the boathouse) on Friday April 24, 2009 from 5-7:00 p.m. All student moms, their children, and anyone who wants to join Real Choices is welcome to attend this free event. Dinner, refreshments and fun will be provided so please come help us establish a strong network of support for student moms on campus! Also, if you'd like to cook/bake something for the event, it would be much appreciated. Contact realshoicesncsu@yahoo.com for more information. 2) Liberals for life? That's right! Washington D.C. native and freelance writer, Mary Meehan, will present "Why Liberals and Feminists Should Defend the Unborn" at NC State University. The event will be held in the Walnut Room of Talley Student Center at 7:00 p.m. on Tuesday April 28, 2009. An engaging question and answer session will follow Ms. Meehan's presentation. Pro-life? Pro-choice? It doesn't matter....we encourage all students, faculty and community members to attend this free event. Contact realchoicesncsu@yahoo.com or visit www.meehanreports.com. -------------------------- Your presence at both of these events would mean soooooo much to me. I'd love you forever if you came to support a cause that I am so passionate about. Also, I want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has given me positive feedback on Amstel Life. I cannot tell you how much it means to have your support and encouragement, so thank you! If you've been reading my blog often, please become a follower! Or even link it to your facebook page. It's time to spread the good news about open adoption and you can make that happen. Love you guys! Amstel :)

FUNNY STORY

So it's June of 2005. I'm 8 months pregnant, I look like I swallowed a basketball, and I'm at the Montour Heights Country Club in Pittsburgh with Robbie's family. It's right before my high school graduation, and I'm trying to enjoy the last few days in Moon Township before I have to make the final move to North Carolina to have the babe. I have on my navy blue Mimi Maternity swimsuit (the cutest swimwear you'll ever see on a pregnant woman) and I'm wading in the pool with Robbie's sister Jacqueline (who happens to be my best friend) and some of her younger cousins. Robbie's 7-year-old cousin swims up to me, looks me up and down, and then asks, "Are you going to have a baby?" Uh-oh, how the heck am I going to explain this one? "Umm, yes, I'm going to have a baby." She then asks, "Well are you married?" BIG uh-oh. "No, I'm not married, but I'm old enough to be married," I cautiously explained to her. 'Well then how come you're going to have a baby?" Yikes...she's a spry one! I knew I couldn't explain the real story to a 7-year-old, so I sort of gave her an answer that I quickly made up on the spot. Words just started pouring out. "Remember how God asked Mary if she would have a baby named Jesus, and Mary said yes? Well God asked me if I would have a baby...and I told him that I would. So now I'm going to have a baby for a family who really wants a baby to love." Wow. I thought about what I had just said. I was surprised at how quickly I came up with an answer. Pat on the back for me! Except, wait a minute! I just compared myself to the Virgin Mary! That was probably a huge sin in itself! But I couldn't think of anything better to tell such an innocent little girl. She looks up at me and seems quite satisfied with my answer. "Oh," she says with acceptance. "Whew, she bought it!" I thought triumphantly. No more explaining to do! But after pondering my answer for a minute longer, she turns around and asks me mischievously, "Does Robbie know you're going to have a baby?" "Uhhh, yes, I'm pretty sure he does" I said trying to hold back a huge smile.

FULL CIRCLE

Immediately after the incident happened with Dr. Parker, (and after finally removing myself from the fetal position on the bench outside Ledford Hall) I decided I had to tell someone what happened. I had nowhere to turn except the Meredith College Counseling Center. I had always made it a point to avoid that place. It was sort of creepy looking, I always told myself that counseling was for people who weren't mentally tough enough to cope with their problems. "I'm tough enough," I thought stubbornly. But this day was different. I stumbled into the counseling center, fighting back tears. After telling the receptionist what happened, she was absolutely astounded at how I was treated by a member of their faculty. I decided to mention the fact that I just had a baby who was placed in an adoption to make the story more applicable to why I was reacting this way. When I finished telling the whole story, I finally realized just how much I had been through. I always had this defense mechanism that sort of allowed me to pretend like it wasn't true. That I never actually had a baby and that I wasn't actually dealing with the aftermath of giving Deanna away. But on that particular day, I finally accepted what I had been through and I completely broke down. The receptionist went to get another counselor, and I realized that I must have caused quite a stir that day. I'm sure they were used to girls coming in to address issues associated with transitioning to college life or about issues related to depression or anxiety. But never about something like this! "Hi, I'm Amy. I just had a baby out of wedlock, placed her in an adoption, I'm dealing with depression, I hate your school, oh, and a member of your faculty just told me I didn't care about kids. Do you have anything to take care of that?" I was assigned to a counselor named Angel, who had young kids of her own. Apparently, the receptionist thought that would help us to make a connection. Angel and I talked for a long time, and I agreed to meet with her again. I couldn't deny the connection. It sort of felt like I was chatting with an old friend. A friend who cared about my problems and helped me to realize that I was being too hard on myself. We met every two weeks until I finished at Meredith the following spring. It was the only way I was able to cope with my decision. I felt a little bit better every time I went to see Angel, and that's what kept me coming back. When I transferred to NC State, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Angel had coincidentally accepted a job at NC State Counseling Center. We continued with our sessions for the next two years, and I slowly tapered off after that. It was sad that I didn't need her anymore, but it was such an incredible accomplishment to finally be in such an accepting place in my life! In preparation to graduate college in two weeks, I've been attempting to tie up all of those loose ends. I decided to make an appointment with Angel this past week to update her on my life. I hadn't seen her for about a year, so I was anxious to give her the great news about where my life is going! When we met on Friday morning, it was just like old times, except instead of telling her about all of the bad things in my life, I told her about all of the good things. Granted, I still have alot of things I need to work on, and I'll never be perfect, but I can finally speak about my decision from a place of self-acceptance. A self-acceptance that I could have never achieved without her. I used to be ashamed to tell people that I went to the counseling center, but that's not the case anymore. Counseling is something that I am proud to promote. After all, Angel is really and truly the only reason I have been able to move forward with my life and to accept my decision, and I cannot thank her enough. I encourage anyone who is dealing with a problem, no matter how big or small, to visit their school counseling center. After all, as Angel always expressed to me, "counseling is for normal people with normal problems!" Meeting with Angel a final time has given me the last bit of closure that I needed to know that I'm okay. I'm now ready to go out with a bang from NC State University and to share my wonderful open adoption story with the world. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon

YES, ONE ORDER OF "NOT NORMAL" PLEASE

Someone recently inquired, "aren't you worried that Deanna will never have a normal life?" Hmmm. What does normal mean anyway? Does having 4 grandmas, 4 grandpas, 2 moms, 2 dads, 7 aunts, too many cousins to count, and a boat load of people who care about Deanna qualify her to be plagued as not normal? Truth be told, when is the last time we heard about a "normal" family? As De mentions in our open adoption website, today, most of us have at least one person in our family who is either a step someone, a half brother or sister, is a single parent, has special needs, is married to someone from a different country or culture, doesn't have children, has adopted children, has a child out of wedlock (ahem ahem), are grandparents raising grand kids, has a life partner, etc. etc. etc. If anything, Deanna has more people that care about her than any other person I know. What a lucky little girl! And the best part about it is that she'll always know how special she is and how many people truly care about her. If that's what "not normal" means, then sign me up today. Here's a picture of Deanna and her biological 2nd cousin Caroline. Caroline is Robbie's mom's (Mary Beth) sister's (Aunt Barbara) daughter who lives in Pittsburgh. When Deanna and Caroline get together it's probably one of the cutest things in the entire world. They love each other! Precious.

SECOND CHANCES

Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome! Amstel is back in action after a mini-holiday-hiatus. Thanks for coming back to see what’s going on in my crazy life!

I had a long drive to South Carolina to visit my aunt, cousins, and immediate family members for Easter Break. Driving (in addition to blogging) is extremely therapeutic for me. I get me some Rascal Flatts for the drive and I just go to town! Anyway, I got to thinking about how the heck I ended up where I am today. Gosh, I never in a million years would have guessed that I’d be speaking about open adoption and my decision with such self-acceptance. I realized that because of the open adoption and the willingness of Don and De to allow me to remain in Deanna’s life, I have been granted a second chance.

How often do we get second chances? I never did growing up. If I messed up, I never had the chance to fix it. I learned from my mistakes and I moved on. When I screwed up big time senior year, I didn’t expect a second chance at all. I knew what I had done could not be fixed, and that was that. But after the adoption, and after a year-long “pity me” session of wallowing in my sorrow and the pain of losing my daughter, something snapped. I’ll tell you why. During my freshman year at Meredith College, I was struggling to cope with the decision I had made. All of my close friends at school knew about Deanna. I loved talking about Deanna, but I never really let anyone in on the difficult part. The part that still hurt. I made it a point to shed my tears behind closed doors, where nobody could see me falling apart.

I had two big dreams when I got to college: to become a news anchorwoman or to become an elementary school teacher. I was at a crossroads and I needed guidance. I arranged a meeting with a professor in the Education Department to talk about the possibility of majoring in Communication and getting my teaching license so I could do either one. I was not prepared for what happened next. During our meeting, this woman, Dr. Parker, asked me which I would rather do. I excitedly thought about my future. “I guess I’d like to try for the broadcasting first, and if that doesn’t work out I’d love to try teaching. But I’d honestly be happy doing either one.” She immediately took her glasses off and stared me down. “Miss Hutton, if you think education is something you can just ‘fall back on,’ then I suggest you find another career. Teaching is for those who honestly care about children.”

Wow. Stunned. Silence. Tears. “But, that’s not what I meant…I do care about children!” I fought through the tears. Did she have any idea what I had been through for the past year of my life? When I left her office, I found my way blindly through the hallway. Everything was a blur. It was after 5:00 pm, so nobody was around on campus. I curled up on a bench outside of Ledford Hall and I bawled my eyes out. I had reached the lowest point I had ever been in my entire life. The head of the Education Department just told me I didn't care enough about children to become a teacher.

When I had the strength to get off of the bench that day, something in me snapped. If this woman who didn’t even know me thought I didn’t care about children, what did others think? Did they think I didn't care about children too? And what would Deanna think of me years down the road? That I didn’t care enough about her to keep her? I decided on that day that I was leaving Meredith College and I was never looking back. I made it a point to do everything in my power to prove to myself and to Deanna that I had made the right decision.

I got involved and I went above and beyond what I ever thought possible. I transferred to NC State and became president of Real Choices, a student organization that advocates resources for pregnant and parenting students on campus. I became arch regent of the Golden Chain Society, the highest honor bestowed upon the top 12 rising seniors at NC State. I volunteered at and established alliances with local crisis pregnancy centers, and I taught 8^th grade Sunday school. I interned as Community Content Liaison, Video Expert Intern, and News Desk Intern at NBC 17 and Communication Intern at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society during four separate internships. I worked as a Public Relations Representative for Raleigh Neurology, a sports reporter for Wolf TV, and I helped to create the NCSU Service-Learning Funding Committee, a committee that provides grants to students wishing to participate in a service-learning experience with a local nonprofit. I started speaking openly about my experience with open adoption, I began going to church every week, and I remembered to thank God every single day. But most importantly, I did all of these things while still maintaining a relationship with the most important little girl in the world.

It took me an awful long time to mentally overcome that experience with Dr. Parker. And since then, I’ve encountered many “Dr. Parkers” (roadblocks, challenges) during the past 4 years of my Amstel Life. But each and every one of these experiences has given me the motivation to do more than I ever thought possible. If I saw Dr. Parker today, I wouldn't be mad. I'd probably just tell her thank you. Thank you for giving me the kick in the ass that I needed to stop wallowing in my sorrow and to go out and make something of my life. For helping me to realize that I actually did have a second chance.

Oh yeah, and I really do care about children.

OUR OPEN ADOPTION

De approached my with a great idea this past December when we were in Birmingham Alabama for the PapaJohns.com bowl game to cheer on Robbie during his last NC STATE football game. After the game, as everyone was enjoying celebratory beverages at the Sheraton Hotel, De told me that she had an idea to start a website about our open adoption. She envisioned the website explaining what open adoption is and how our open adoption has worked out. It would include pictures, details about our story, and frequently asked questions. She also wanted to include Robbie's, Don's, De's, and my family's answers to specific questions pertaining to their feelings before, during, and after the adoption of Miss Deanna Marie. Well thanks to De and her amazing web design skills, the website is now a reality! It's still a work in progress, but here it is: www.ouropenadoption.com Check back often, as the page will be continually updated. Hopefully you will get a glimpse into everything that our wonderful open adoption entails. Enjoy!

COINCIDENCES? OR SOMETHING MORE...

My roommate Emily and I sort of laughed it off when we heard the announcement in church last summer. "We are in desperate need of Sunday school teachers. Requires very little time commitment and a whole lot of fun!" We sat there half smiling and nervously nudging each other. 'We couldn't...we shouldn't...well....maybe?" Teaching a class of 8th graders has been a lot of fun, but it has also been fairly challenging. These kids ask us tough questions that nobody really knows the answer to. "What happens when we get to heaven?" "How do we know which religion is the right one?" And my personal fav, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Hmmm. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I remember this question going through my head repeatedly when I found out I was pregnant. "Why me?" I thought about all the people I knew who were sexually active, many of whom didn't use protection and had multiple partners. In my mind, I contrasted my situation with theirs. Here I was, a genuinely good Catholic girl who was in a committed, long-term relationship of one year, had always used protection, and could count the number of times I engaged in that type of "activity" on one hand. One hand. Sure, I meandered off the straight and narrow path once or twice, but did this slight error in judgment warrant me having to lose everything? I didn't think so, and I stayed mad for a long time. During the past few weeks, I slowly began piecing together a series of "coincidences." I thought about the things that happened to get me where I am today. I remembered that during my senior year of high school, I had given a passionate speech opposing abortion to the entire school right before the 2004 Presidential debate. It was right after school on that exact same day that I found out I was pregnant. I don't think I was a very likely candidate to experience an unplanned pregnancy in the first place. The odds were stacked so high against me and I thought that I had done everything the right way. Seriously, less than 5 times? Are you kidding me? That never happens. I thought back to the speech I gave. Was it just a coincidence that I happened to find out about my pregnancy on the exact same day? Or was it something more--an opportunity to show others a little something about standing up for what you believe in and practicing what you preach. Don and De usually kept their desire to adopt pretty "hush, hush." When they randomly met Robbie's parents at a Christmas party in 2004, they asked Don and De why they didn't have children. They decided to open up and be honest about it. They didn't have to, but for one reason or another, they felt comfortable enough to disclose that personal information with their new acquaintances. Mr. Leonard offered to notify his sister-in-law in Pennsylvania, who is an Ob/Gyn who has placed many babies in successful adoptions, that De and Don were looking to adopt. Less than two months later, Don and De find out that Amy and Robbie are having a baby. More coincidences. De and I are almost exactly the same height. Don and I both have light hair and bright blue eyes. De and Robbie both have dark brown hair and pretty brown eyes that are squinty when they smile. My family and De's family are both pretty quiet and reserved. Don's family and Robbie's family are larger and louder. It turns out that Robbie would go on to play Division I football at NC State, the same school Don graduated from and has lifetime rights and season tickets. You want more? De and Deanna have the same blood type. Pretty crazy, huh? So back to the question, why do bad things happen to good people? Looking back at my experiences, I stumbled upon an answer that I was satisfied with. This actually wasn't a bad thing at all. In fact, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I didn't realize it until now. I spent so much time being angry and questioning that I never really saw that God had a plan for me. I've come to find that He knew exactly what He was doing all along. So, God doesn't make bad things happen to good people. Everything we are faced with, whether good or bad, happens for a reason; it's all just a test of our trust and faith in Him. Perhaps God has something greater in store for us than we could ever possibly imagine for ourselves. Each challenge is an opportunity for us to take our seemingly impossible situations and turn them into positive examples for others to learn from. I may not have all of the answers for my 8th graders, but drawing from my past experiences has helped me to try and find answers for those though questions. And if I still don't know the answer? "Why don't you ask Miss Emily?" I tell them :)

GREETINGS FROM CALI!

So I checked my Facebook messages a few days ago, and I came across one that immediately grabbed my attention. It was from someone I had never met before...someone named Alyson. I clicked on the message, and I couldn't believe what I was reading. Apparently, a couple in California had read our open adoption article online (from The Technician), and they were so inspired by our story that they wanted to find some way to contact me. Wow. We communicated back and forth a few times, and it was nothing short of touching. It turns out they are looking to adopt, and wanted me to pass their profile along to any women that I might know who are considering adoption. I always knew that I could make an impact by openly sharing my experience, but I never really realized how big of an impact I could have until now. Their choosing to contact me from across the country made me realize how much potential my story has to inspire and motivate others to consider open adoption. I immediately called De and told her. De suggested that I give Alyson her contact information so they could talk about the entire open adoption process and what to expect. De copied me on an email that she sent to Alyson, and I sat in amazement as I read what she wrote. De told Alyson, "During the pregnancy, I would always tell Amy, "No matter what decision you make, whether you keep the baby or choose Don and I to be her Dad and Mom, don't EVER let anyone tell you it was a mistake." I can't believe I forgot about that! Don and De always told Robbie and I that it was our decision until the day we signed the adoption papers and left the hospital. They never made us feel pressured, and they told us that they would understand if we changed our minds at the very last minute and decided to parent Deanna ourselves. That just blew me away. These people were willing to go through the entire adoption process, knowing that it might not work out. It proved to me that they cared more about Robbie and Amy than about themselves, and in turn, I realized how much these selfless people could offer Deanna. Just knowing that I helped to connect Alyson and De has been another small part of the continuous healing process for me. I know that De will be such an incredible resource for this couple as they continue their search for a healthy baby to love and care for. If you know of anyone who is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, please pass their information along. Alyson, 27, is an attorney and Jason, 32, is a cardiologist in Huntington Beach, California. They have been happily married for 5 years, and they hope to have a great relationship with their future child's birth mother. I've truly enjoyed speaking with Alyson & Jason, and I'm looking forward to setting an example and guiding them through the open adoption process. Who knows, maybe someone will see this and immediately think of someone they know dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Food for thought! Contact: alysonandjason@gmail.com or 1-800-638-9693. I can only hope and pray that their adoption story will turn out as happily as ours has. :)

TWO MOMMIES BIKES

This past weekend, my best friend Angela, my younger sister Laura, and I took a trip to Myrtle Beach to visit Deanna. We spent the day playing on her new swing set/tree house, riding the bikes and golf cart around the neighborhood, climbing trees, playing tag in a field of dandelions, and running rambunctiously through waves and sand on the beach. As Deanna led us into the garage to show us all of the bikes, she excitedly babbled on and on about how many bikes they have. "We have two mommies bikes," she said matter of factly. "No pun intended," laughed De as we walked into the garage. I always find it humorous when the dual mommy things come up. Deanna knows I am her tummy mommy, but I often wonder if she really knows who I am. After all, we did share 9 months worth of watermelon. De asked her who I was once, and she replied, "a girl." Haha, yes I am a girl. De laughed and said, "No, who is Amy Hutton?" (while patting her stomach.) Deanna immediately got a smile on her face and replied, "my tummy mommy!" Yes, she's got it. I've done a lot of thinking lately about why our open adoption has been so successful. I can't stand reading those horrible stories on the internet about "open adoptions gone bad." Sure, I understand that things don't always work out perfectly, but I am a testament that open adoption can work, and it can have a happy ending. If we never hear the "good stories," then we'll never consider open adoption a choice, and I can't stand to see that happen. When I called De the next day to thank her for having us, we got to talking about it. "I think people are more open to open adoption the more confident they are with themselves," she said, "because it's not about you anymore, it's about somebody else." I thought about it. It made a lot of sense. If your ultimate goal is for this child to be happy, then everything else should fall into place. It takes a huge amount of trust on the part of both the birth parents and the adoptive parents. I remember when Robbie and I first sat down and met with Don and De. They explained that they wanted us to be as much a part of the baby's life as they were. "What do you mean I can visit her whenever I want to?" I thought skeptically. What kind of people would really allow us to maintain a relationship with the child they are raising? As time went by, and we got to know each other better, we began to develop a strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect for each other. De came with me to my doctor appointments, we had a baby shower together, and we even took the hospital tour together. The more we got to know about them, the more we realized that this was the right thing to do. When I go to visit Deanna, De lets us have time together. She understands how important it is for us to have that relationship, and she is confident in herself as a mother. She doesn't "stand guard" and watch our every move. She gets things done around the house, shares funny stories, and asks questions to see if I did a certain thing when I was Deanna's age. We trust each other, and we make the situation work because it's not just about us. It's about somebody more important. While De and I have ALOT of little things in common, more importantly, we both share an incredible love for a beautiful 3-and-a-half-year-old blonde girl... and for two mommies, that's something that will never change.

HEY, MOM AND DAD...GUESS WHAT?

How do you tell your parents that you are pregnant when you've just turned 18 years old? "These things are never accurate," said my best friend Jena, matter-of-factly, after positive test number 5. I wanted so badly to believe her. "Maybe you just have highly acidic urine?" That's it! Bingo. I just have highly acidic urine. Problem solved. I guess it was after positive test number 7 that I finally started facing reality. I had to tell Maureen and Keith the news. But what in the world was I going to say? My parents are very strict people. Though not huge on positive reinforcement, they're pretty big on negative reinforcement. Considering the last time I got grounded was four years prior, after an 8th grade dance when I was waiting for my parents to pick me up at Wendy's instead of Pizza Hut, I knew this wasn't going to be pretty. I started walking down the hall to my parents' room. Whew. Deep breath. Count to three, and exhale. Got it. No, I don't got it! Retreat, retreat! Back to home base! This series of events happened a few times, until I finally figured it was now or never. I was going to try the "immaculate conception" excuse, but that only worked for Mary. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures, right? I walked into my mom's room with a guilty look plastered on my face. "What's wrong?" she asked casually as she folded the last of the laundry. I tried to answer back in the same casual tone. "Oh, nothing. Well, actually, um....well, you see....I..." Not working."Something kind of bad happened, and I don't want you to be mad at me." Mom: "Don't tell me you are pregnant..." Silence.... There's quite nothing like an awkward silence. And the look on her face when I said, "kind of?" You would have thought I just told her that I killed a man, robbed a bank, and had the get-away car waiting for us outside. She was mad. Really mad. Super mad. Incredibly (okay, you get it). But the worst part wasn't the mad part. I could deal with that. It was the part about letting my parents down and the disappointment I saw on their faces. And on top of that, my hopes of earning a swimming scholarship at a Division I school were ruined. Everything I had worked for, all of my athletic achievements, down the drain in one foul swoop. Good job, Amy Hutton. Good job. My mom made me go to the doctor to confirm the previous 7 tests (I hope that made you laugh). My primary care physician wasn't exactly chipper either. "And how old are you?" she asked in a scolding tone. "18" I answered sheepishly. She treated me like I was inferior. Gosh, I know that I was only 18 years old, but I didn't kill anyone and I wasn't going to jail. Why was everyone acting like this? I was going to have a baby! Of course I didn't do it on purpose, but I saw first-hand the negative stigma that teenage pregnancy carries. Isn't having a baby supposed to be the happiest time of a person's life? At that moment, while sitting alone in the doctor's office, it was the worst. Someone recently told me that my blog was "too sad." I'm not putting myself out there and sharing my story because I want people to feel bad for me. On the contrary. I just want to be honest. I also want people to realize the reality of teenage pregnancy and the how negatively it is perceived by our culture. It's no wonder that young women think they have to run off and get an abortion when they experience an unplanned pregnancy. Instead of shunning young mothers for being with-child, we should embrace it, celebrate it, and help these women cope with it by promoting viable resources like adoption. Most people don't even know that open adoption is an option. I am happy to share my successful open adoption story with others, and I can only hope that it changes at least one woman's mind who is considering abortion.

PERSONALITY TYPES

During a recent meeting, we started talking about personality types. I vaguely remembered taking the Myers-Briggs personality test last spring, so I went home and found my old report. As I began reading the 2 page summary of my "type," I was astounded that I never really paid much attention to it until this point. I remember receiving it last year, glancing over it briefly, and then placing it in a binder to collect dust. But this time was different. I was searching for answers. How could four letters, ESFJ, categorize me into such a perfect nutshell. Could four letters really describe Amy Marie Hutton? I began reading. "ESFJ's are sociable," yes, true. "They have good communication skills and are usually quite tactful," good so far, but knew that already. Suddenly, I did a double-take when I got to the middle of the report. "ESFJ's strive to develop harmony in their relationships, and it is essential to their well-being. ESFJ's want harmony in their relationships, but they also want above all else to do the right thing, two goals which are not always compatible. ESFJ's can have too many "shoulds," which may lead to excessive amounts of guilt..." Well slap my knee and call me Charlie! I couldn't have said it better myself. The first thing I thought about was my struggle with deciding whether or not to place Deanna with her adoptive family. Maybe this is why I had such a hard time with my decision? Since I could not satisfy the desires of my family (who wanted me to keep Deanna), my well-being was diminished. Robbie's family, who already established a relationship with Deanna's prospective adopters, thought it would be best to allow them to raise Deanna, since Robbie and I were so young and unprepared for parenthood. I was stuck in the middle of two families, both who wanted the best for Deanna and myself, but by taking two completely different courses of action. i.e."two goals which are not always compatible." I really wanted to be that young mom who took my daughter everywhere, dressed her in adorable clothes, and proved everyone wrong who doubted my ability to raise this little girl. I know that I could have done it. But I also knew (deep down inside, and my stubbornness did not allow me admit this until now) that Deanna deserved a real family--a loving couple who were married, had great jobs, a home, a big yard, a dog, and a perfect life. A family who had everything they could have ever wanted--except a child. I almost felt selfish for wanting to keep Deanna. Here I was, a scared 18-year-old who had absolutely no intention of getting pregnant, knowing that this family had tried so long to have children and had prayed for nothing more than a healthy baby. It just didn't make sense. I'm not sure why people often say to me, "I never could have done what you did!" Is that a compliment? I'm not really sure. I understand now, more than ever, why people say parents will do anything for their children. I don't think you can really judge somebody else's decisions until you are in their shoes. I just hope Deanna looks back and realizes that I gave her more on the day she was born than I could have ever given her today. As Deanna gets older, I can't help but wonder if our personality types will be similar. I know that she is already showing signs of having the Type-A, go-get-em personality (compliments of Amy Hutton, yes?) and that she is just as mischievous as I was as a three and a half year old (example: the day she bit Hank's tail and blatantly denied it while spitting out a mouth full of fur). Only time will tell, but no matter what her "four letters" will be someday, if she turns out to be anything like the people I chose to raise her, I think she'll be in very good shape...

REMINDERS

What do these three things have in common: Clean & Clear Morning Burst Face Wash, the television show The View, and Del Monte canned mixed vegetables? Reminders. It's hard to explain...you know how a certain scent, food, or even season can take you back to a specific time in your life? During the first few months of my pregnancy when I left high school to become home-bound tutored (yes, Mr. Miller, my awkward math teacher, came to my house every Wednesday afternoon and asked what was cooking for dinner every single time.) Since I wasn't attending classes at good old Moon Area High School anymore due to severe hyperemesis gravidarum (the joys of morning sickness, ladies and gentlemen) I had a lot of free time on my hands. I would wake up in my house (alone, since my parents were at work and my sisters were at school) feel sad, wash my face every morning with Clean & Clear Morning Burst Face Wash, feel sad, watch The View, feel sad, talk to Robbie on the phone, feel sad, and eat an absurd amount of Del Monte canned mixed vegetables to ensure that the babe was the healthiest babe ever. I settled into a routine. So when I came home to Pittsburgh for Spring Break this past week, I had the strangest feeling in my stomach when I used the Morning Burst for the first time since I was pregnant four years ago. And when I went downstairs and watched The View on the exact same couch as before, I experienced it again--the feeling of being sick to my stomach, sad, and depressed--simultaneously. All from washing my face and watching a television show? Yes! How strange it was, but it was a reminder of the intense emotions that I had felt. And we all know how emotional pregnant women can be. I genuinely believed that those women on The View were my friends.

Pittsburgh is a great city, and it will always be home to me. But when I left for North Carolina, I never wanted to look back. I literally wanted to "blow the top off that joint." Such a change in attitude my community had when they found out that I was pregnant. The same community who had praised me for winning the WPIAL gold medal in the 50 freestyle and put my face on the front page of the Moon Record after being crowned homecoming queen were so quick to judge. "Did she do it on purpose?" "Are Amy and Robbie going to get married?" "Why is she giving it up for adoption?" In fact, I distinctly recall an incident when a former swim team member's parents (who used to tell their daughter to be more like me, a role model) would not allow their daughter to speak to me again. "That blasphemous Amy Hutton!" Moon Township.

It was the saddest day of my life, the day that Robbie and I signed the adoption papers in the hospital, and I was at a breaking point. My family wanted me to keep Deanna. So many others wanted to see De and Don become parents for the first time. I literally felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn't know right from wrong. At the end of my rope, I decided to make a deal with God. I said to Him, "If I do what you are asking me to do and allow these people to raise my daughter, the only thing I ask is that I will never regret this decision." ...and he never broke our promise. I am so thankful for the wonderful life I have been given, and I absolutely love De, Don, Deanna, and Hank...but I will never ever ever use Morning Burst facial cleanser again...and that's a promise that I will never break!