The Open Adoption Ideal

Well, it looks like the resounding response to the pepperoni roll poll is that most of you would have either thrown the pepperoni roll...or found something far more substantial to throw.  Either way, GOOD answers people.  I like where your heads are at.

In other news, the squirrel that I ran over last week has not appeared inside my vehicle to commit a surprise retaliation attack.  No worries--my guard is still up.  

Obviously I haven't been thinking about this too much.

 Okay, you're right--that's a prairie dog--I tried.  

I've noticed that more people than usual have been reading and commenting on my blog and linking their blogs to Amstel Life.  I am so completely overwhelmed and thankful for the positive response I've gotten to my blog; our story.  Every time I read a new comment or email, I am constantly reminded of the impact that sharing our story has had.  I think that's what makes it easy for me to be so open in sharing my experience as a birthmother.  I know that somebody out there is learning something new about open adoption, and that's awesome.  People often refer to our open adoption as the "ideal situation."  I am beyond flattered that some people think of our open adoption as ideal. I hope that people also recognize that "ideal" doesn't have to mean "rare" when it comes to open adoption!

I noticed that Laurel from Laurel Blogs wrote on her post (Some Good Stuff) that she loves to read my blog because of the awesome relationship I have with my daughter and her adoptive parents.  Thank you!  Laurel also wrote, "(And please don't leave me comments that say, "But Laurel...adoption just sometimes doesn't work out that way..." because I know this. I'm talking in an ideal world, here.)  Laurel brings up such a great point.  I often hear people who say to me that this type of situation just doesn't work out with most people.  I often find myself questioning what we did so right to end up in this kind of "ideal" situation. I know that "ideal" has a different meaning for everyone, but to me, an ideal open adoption is one where everyone respects each other, everyone openly communicates their thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, everyone puts the child's well-being at the forefront of every decision.  So how exactly do we make our open adoption work?  Here are some things that have worked for us..

1)  If you are a prospective birthmother, choose an adoptive couple/family who you could see yourself having a strong relationship with many years down the road.  Choose people with similar interests, values, and morals as your own.  You're going to have to do a ton of research, but get to know as much as humanly possible about each other before the actual adoption.  The more couples you interview, the better chance you have of finding a perfect match for you.  If you're not comfortable with an agency, ask family, friends, and co-workers if they know anyone who is looking to adopt.  Sometimes, the best match can come from someone who knows someone who knows someone.  In fact, that's how we met each other!

2)  If you are a prospective adoptive couple, once you are matched with (or chosen by) a birthmom, start to build your relationship soon, but as naturally as possible.  Don't ask questions about the baby as soon as you meet.  Concentrate on getting know each other first.  When Robbie and I first met Don and De, I was so stubborn.  I didn't even want to consider adoption.  But Don and De started by asking Robbie & I questions, not about the baby, but about us.  I could tell immediately that Don and De were interesting in getting to know us as people and not just trying to get a baby out of the deal. Yes, I know, that's not always feasible to tell if someone genuinely cares about you at first meet, but that's why you must continue to develop your relationship further before the actual adoption...and afterwards too.

3) As your relationship continues to develop, start asking more personal questions.  Eventually, you should ask each other every question you can think of under the sun.  Nothing should be off-limits to talk about.  
Some things we thought to ask each other included: 
-Are you ever going to try adopting again?
-Do you anticipate having to move away? 
-How will you discipline you children?
-What type of life insurance, college fund, etc. will you set up?  
-Should something happen to you both, who will take custody?
-Will you both be working, or will De be a stay-at-home mom?
-How often do you anticipate we will be able to visit Deanna?
-How will you tell Deanna about her adoption?
-Will we see Deanna less as she gets older?
-May we speak to your family and friends to ask them some questions about you?
-And the list goes on....

4)  Interview family and friends of the birthmom or adoptive couple you are considering.  What do these people have to say about their character, lifestyle, morals, etc?  Find out as much as you can from the acquaintances of the people you are considering.  Open adoption is a verbal agreement, not a signed contract, so do as much as possible to build a relationship based on trust and respect for each other. 

5)  Do activities together before the birth.  De and I had a joint baby shower together.  She got baby clothes and strollers, and I got college supplies, bikinis, and skinny jeans.  It gave me a lot to look forward to (namely, college and not having kankles). Sometimes, however, a baby shower can be too much.  That's okay!  You can do other things together like cook a family dinner, go shopping, or help to decorate the nursery.  If it's not too much, you may even consider going to doctors visits together.  The best part about open adoption is that you have the ability to set limits, to decide together what works and what doesn't, and to build a relationship with the people you will likely share a special bond with for the rest of your lives.

6)  Decide on a birth plan before the hospital.  Birthmom Buds is an awesome birthmom network, and the founder, Coley, has created a medical brochure titled "Defining Adoption Guidelines for Medical Professionals" and the hospital action plan that coincides with it. The medical brochure is made to educate hospital staff, doctors, nurses, etc. on adoption from a birthmother's perspective in the hopes to create better hospital experiences for birthmothers. The hospital action plan goes over most of the aspects of the hospital experience for a birthmother and allows her to write in her desires and wishes for her hospital stay. It can then be shared with the adoptive parents if they are participating in the labor and delivery in anyway so that everyone can be on the same page regarding her desires. Visit http://www.birthmombuds.com/hospital.htm for more info. 

7)  After the birth, learning the boundaries of open adoption will be difficult at first.  You can talk about what to expect until you turn blue, but everything after the birth is a whole 'nother story!  You'll learn as you go, but as long as you continue to communicate and be honest with each other, things should start to come together eventually.  I can't stress enough how important communication is in open adoption. Since our open adoption was very open, sometimes I had a hard time saying no to visiting.  After a long day of class, sometimes I felt guilty for saying no to stopping by to see De and Deanna. There were times I just needed to take a break and be alone.  I learned to take care of myself first and to visit only when I felt emotionally ready. And that made our visits so much better. 

8)  Counseling, counseling, counseling.  Counseling.  This is especially targeted towards birthmothers, because I know how much this has benefited me, but counseling at some point is probably a good idea for everyone.  Birthmoms, you have got to take time to heal.  It took me a long time (almost 2 years) before I was finally ready to open up and share my experience with open adoption.  I was mad at the world for a solid 24 months!  But counseling helped me first to heal emotionally, second to accept the decision that I made, and finally to realize the impact my story could have on others.  Did I mention that my counselor at NC State was amazing???

9)  Learn to accept that things will change...but life will go on!  Change is inevitable, and trying to prevent change just doesn't work.  People will get new jobs, make new friends, move to new places.  And even though you may not be living in the same place as your child/ adoptive family, with open adoption, you will always be a part of their lives whether near or far.  When Deanna and her family moved to SC, I was pretty upset.  I was afraid I would hardly ever see them.  While that certainly wasn't the case, their move has actually been a blessing for me.  I was able to plan in advance the times I would see Deanna, and that made a huge difference in my life.  I had a chance to breathe a little and to figure out who I was.  One thing I've learned: change can make or break you.  Which will you choose?

10) Help others...together.  With permission from the other parties involved of course, share your stories!  You never know who will be reading or listening.  If you've had a great experience with open adoption, share it.  You never know who could benefit from hearing your story.  Who knows, maybe even a blog would be a great start.  (Be sure to ask permission to use names too).  For me, giving back has been one of the best ways to heal.  I think sharing our story has brought us all closer together.  I like that.

Good thing this post wasn't long or anything.  Look, I know that our open adoption probably seems ideal to most people, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been challenging and difficult at times.  And that doesn't mean that it never happens this way in real life.  I know that not everyone has the experience with open adoption that we have had, but I just can't ignore the fact that it has worked so well for us, and we have heard so many stories from people who have amazing open adoption stories too!  (Rebekah & Rebekah, anyone?)  So how could we not share?  I'm not saying that my advice will help everyone, but I thought it would at least be worth sharing.  Hey, it worked for us, right?  Alright, good talk.

For all of those bloggers out there who have successful open adoptions, what has worked for you?  
What has not worked so well?  
Do you have anything else to add to the list?  
Curious...
Comments please!

Squirrels, Open Adoption, More Squirrels

On Wednesday morning, I was driving to work when I got a call from my roommate.  Apparently she had gone for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood and had forgotten to take her key with her.  I accidentally locked her out when I left for work.  Poor thing!  She sprinted to the gas station down the street and called me on the gas station owner's wife's cell phone.  To be politically correct, there was a huge language barrier between the two of them.  I can only imagine how that conversation played out.  But she was finally able to get a hold of me, and I immediately turned my all-wheel drive sleigh around.

So I headed back home, and I was coming in hot on the homestretch to my street.  Suddenly, a squirrel appeared out of nowhere and jumped directly in front of my car!  The squirrel was paralyzed in fear, and it couldn't decide which way to run.  And that's when I ran over it.  I didn't do it on purpose.  I did it because I couldn't stop in time, and ever since I first learned how to drive, my dad has burrowed it in my brain to never ever ever ever swerve for an animal because you're more likely to get in an accident by trying to avoid the animal than by just running it over.  With my dad's words playing in my head, I cringed as I heard the thump.  Much to my surprise, as I glanced in my rear-view mirror, I didn't see any roadkill.  There was no squirrel in sight.  It was the strangest thing!  I continued on my way, hurriedly unlocked the door for my rooms and I bolted to work. 

Then, later that evening, I had the amazing opportunity to be a special guest on MomTV's Adoption Angles web-show, and aside from a few kinks here and there (and a crazzzzzzy distracting echo in my ear at the beginning), I think things went pretty well...until the very end.  After the webshow was over, Melissa "signed-off" and I figured that meant my video was shut off too. My cell phone rang, and I saw that it was my roommate.  I answered it and I'm pretty sure I updated her on the squirrel scenario from earlier that day.  I think I said something along the lines of, "I cannot believe that squirrel today!" and "I hit it and it just disappeared!  I think I killed it, but I don't know.  There was no roadkill, isn't that strange?"  Then I received an instant message from one of the show's viewers who informed me that my video feed was actually still live and my personal call with my roommate was in fact being broadcast over the Internet.  So there's that. 

Just another day in the life of Amstel!  
Here's a recording of the show if you happened to miss out on my debut of Guinea-pig awkwardness:





Speaking of open adoption...
Here is one of the first pictures I took with De after babe was born.

And here we are almost five years later!

Adoption Angles on MomTV tonight @ 9!

I am happy to report that I completed my second yoga class this past Saturday--and I didn't feel the incredible urge to compete!  It was so relaxing.  Unfortunately, that didn't affect my level of next-day(s) soreness, and I'm still recovering from my failed attempt at a perfectly-executed forearm stand.  My hands were so sweaty that my long-haired, foreign accented yoga instructor-man had to personally deliver his sweaty towel for me to place on my mat so I would stop slipping during downward-facing dog.  I'm finally willing to admit that I may not be a natural after all. 

I love how Don and De have maintained such great relationships with not just Robbie and I, but with both of our families as well.  I am constantly amazed at how our families have really come together during these past few years and have learned to work together in our open adoption.  It wasn't always this easy, though.

We met the Dollars through Robbie's parents, who had met them through a family-friend/work relationship.  When Robbie's parents first met Don and De at a party in Raleigh (the Leonards had just moved to Raleigh in 2004 for Mr. Leonard's job), the conversation somehow turned to Robbie's dad, Rob, asking Don and De why they didn't have any kids yet.  They told him their story and they mentioned how they had been looking towards adoption.  Robbie's mom, Mary Beth, offered to help them, and she mentioned that her sister-in-law was an Ob/Gyn who has placed many newborn babies.  Mary Beth, Rob, Don, and De quickly became friends, and they often found themselves running into each other at parties, work gatherings, etc.  Then, a few months later, we came to find that I actually had a bun in my own oven!  And I'm not referring to Pillsbury.

Robbie's family very much supported adoption because they knew the Dollars well, and they had many conversations discussing with them how our families would all be able to maintain close relationships with the little babe after the (pending) adoption.  My family, who was still living in Pittsburgh, had no idea who the Dollars were.  Actually, they didn't even know that I was considering adoption.  My family had already begun making plans for me to raise the baby with their help. We had already decided that I could still go to college during the week, and I would have to come home on the weekends to take care of the baby.  Robbie would quit school to get a job, and we would most likely get married to make it all official.  I faced a huge internal conflict once I had actually met the Dollars and started to actually consider open adoption.  My family was probably confused and hurt that I had changed my mind.  The reality of the situation was that I was torn in so many directions because everyone had a different an idea of what was "best."  Before I left school to be home-bound tutored, several teachers even approached me and told me what they thought was best for me.  Best for ME, not best for baby.  I even had one woman at school who suggested I consider having an abortion so that I could continue on with my life.  Thanks, but no thanks. 

The weeks leading up to the adoption were so draining. Words cannot describe what I went through emotionally.  I was still not 100% certain that I could go through with the adoption until I physically signed the papers. After I signed them, my family came to support my decision.  When they finally agreed to meet the Dollars, they immediately knew why I had chosen these people to raise my daughter.  A lot of people had a completely different view of adoption until they actually met Don and De and started experiencing our open adoption firsthand.  There were doubts, fears, and concerns about how we would be able to maintain such an open relationship with each other.  Today, I can't imagine it being any different.  Our families keep in close contact today through emails, phones calls and visits.  The Dollars even take a trip once a year to visit my family in Pittsburgh during the summer, and they usually stay at our house.  There's never a dull moment during those trips!

De and Don have really done a great job of  keeping our families updated on Deanna by sharing silly stories, posting pictures, and keeping my parents involved by asking questions about how I was when I was Deanna's age.  I think it's amazing to hear just how much Deanna is like me when I was young.  When I was little, I used to be extremely shy in school. I hardly ever sang out loud, and the teachers often told my mom they were worried about my social growth.  I laugh at that story now.  Recently, Deanna's teacher told De that Deanna was being rather quiet in school and she was concerned.  Because our adoption is so open, De was able to ask my mom about my behavior and mannerisms as a child.  As she came to find out, "Amy Hutton" did that too!  And for the most part, I think I turned out (somewhat) normal...right?  Maybe not.  

Last month, my parents mailed a Christmas present to Deanna, and De took it upon herself to make an entire facebook album dedicated to Deanna showing off my parents' gift. The album is titled, "Thank You Mimi & Papa Keith!"  Wasn't that sweet?

  



Deanna has more aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, neighbors and friends than even I can keep track of, but she is so great at remembering everyone.  I attribute her excellent memory to the pounds of watermelon that I ravenously consumed during gestation.  De likes to constantly remind Deanna of the people that she doesn't get to see very often.  A few weeks ago, De asked Deanna, Do you remember who Mimi (my mom) is?  She said, "Yes Ma'am."  Then De asked Deanna, "Who is Mimi?"  Deanna responded nonchalantly, "That girl who lives with Papa Keith."   Haha, Papa Keith is my dad. Witty little thing.  

Adoption Angles premiers online tonight at 9:00 P.M.  Adoption Angles is an online web-cast on MomTV, and it's about people from all sides of the adoption equation who have been touched one way or another by adoption.  I'm going to be sharing my story and answering your questions tonight with the help of my wonderful host, Melissa from Full Circle.  We certainly hope you'll consider joining us "Guinea-pigs" as we jump into this new experience together!

Prayer Breakfast & Rally for Life This Saturday

On Saturday, January 16th, 2010, at 9:30 a.m., the 11th Annual 2010 Prayer Breakfast* and Rally for Life, sponsored by North Carolina Right to Life, will be held at the Holiday Inn Brownstone Hotel and Conference Center at 1707 Hillsborough Street in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Angela Franks, Ph.D., Author of Margaret Sanger's Eugenic Legacy: The Control of Female Fertility (2005) will be the featured speaker at the Prayer Breakfast. 

The Breakfast will be followed by a Rally, which will begin at 1:00 p.m. on Nash Square in downtown Raleigh.  Angela Franks, Ph.D., and Deanna Jones, Author of To Be a Mother, will be the featured speakers at the Rally.  Alyse Player will be the featured vocalist at both events.  There is no cost to attend the Rally.

*The cost for the Breakfast is $30/person, $50/married couple, $25/students, clergy, and seniors.  Payments can be made using MasterCard, Visa, or check.  Please call 1-800-392-6275 to register by phone using MC or Visa.  Mail checks to NCRTL, PO Box 9282, Greensboro, NC 27429-0282.

For more information please visit: http://www.trianglerighttolife.org 

Perfectionism Sucks

I experienced my first yoga class this past weekend.  And I'm just now realizing that I probably shouldn't have tried to compete with the girl on the mat next to me.  She must have been a) an expert, b) double-jointed, or c) some sort of amphibious non-human creature.  I'd imagine that it's probably some combination of all three because the only body parts that aren't still aching after that 90-minute stretch-fest are my fingers.  On the bright side, there's no better time to blog than now, right?  

Onward and upward!  I have mentioned that I am a recovering perfectionist. What does that even mean? A recovering perfectionist?  Well, it's sort of like being an alcoholic. You must first admit that you have a problem.  Then you can work on fixing it.  I have admitted to myself (and now publicly to my sea of avid readers) that I have a real problem with perfectionism.  I've have been this way my entire life, but I never knew there was an actual term for it or that it was a problem until my freshman year at Meredith College.

You probably remember the post I wrote a while back regarding the woman in the Education Department at Meredith College who told me that I obviously didn't care enough about children to become a teacher since I couldn't decide between a career in education or communication.  Anyway, after numbly finding my way into the counseling center on that terrible afternoon, I found myself continuing to go back to counseling every two weeks from that point on.  It began with working through the traumatic encounter that had just happened with Dr. Parker, and then it progressed into dealing with other things. 

At the very end of our first session, my counselor handed me a bright green brochure with the word: "PERFECTIONISM" plastered on the front.  What's this? I thought to myself. 

Perfectionism is self-destructive thinking. It can include extreme fear of failure, striving to be the best, to reach the ideal, and to never make a mistake, a habit developed from youth that keeps you constantly alert to the imperfections, failings, and weakness in yourself and others, setting unattainable goals for yourself and becoming depressed when you don't reach them, and the underlying motive present in the fear of failure and fear of rejection.

According to LIVESTRONG.COM, there are many irrational beliefs that contribute to perfectionism: 

-the belief that no matter what you attempt it is never good enough to meet your own or others' expectations.
-the belief that whatever you attempt in life must be done perfectly with no mistakes, slip-ups or inconsistencies.
-the belief that unless I am number 1, there is no sense in trying. 
-the belief that winning is the only acceptable goal. 
-the belief that it is what I achieve rather than who I am that is important.
-the belief that I have no value in life unless I am successful.
-the belief that I should never let anyone know what goals I am working on--that way they won't consider me a failure if I don't reach them.

I think the worst part about perfectionism is that you learn to associate your entire self-worth based on how much you have accomplished.  Perfectionists often feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and depression as a result of their failures.  Looking back, I now see how this self-destructive disease contributed to my downward spiral after learning I was pregnant.  Not only had I failed myself, but I had failed, publicly, in front of everyone else around me.  To a perfectionist, that's like that end of the world.


I should probably give you some background about my prior-to-pregnancy life.  I'm the middle sister, therefore I have severe middle-child syndrome.  My parents would probably react the same way (by saying, "good job, honey") whether I had gotten an A+ on a math test or discovered a cure for cancer.  I thrived on their positive-reinforcement.  I was extremely competitive from a young age, and if I wasn't naturally good at something, I had a tendency to just give up. *"If I'm not "number one," what's the point in trying?*  My older sister practiced the piano often and quickly became a young Mozart, making up her own songs, singing beautifully when family and friends would come over.  She was good at everything and she didn't even have to try.  I practiced the piano and quit out of frustration when I couldn't advance past "the buzzing bee."  I wasn't very musically inclined, but I was good at sports.  When my parents threw me in the pool for the first time, I found that I was a natural at swimming.  I remember the sense of incredible accomplishment I felt after joining our summer-league swim team and beating all the other 8-year-olds in sprint free-style.  I loved to win, and I loved the recognition I received as I got better and better. I was finally the best at something.

When I was in high school, my perfectionism got worse.  I had the mindset that I needed to achieve more, to be even more successful, and that failure wasn't an option.  I won the gold medal in our district championship in the 50-yard-freestyle and finished in the top 10 at our state competition.  I made it on the front page of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette and I had a huge congratulatory poster displayed at school.  During my senior year of high school, I was crowned Homecoming Queen, and I had the highest hopes of earning a full-swimming scholarship in college the next year.  My life was completely perfect.  And then I found out I was pregnant. 

In my tiny little distorted perfectionist world, everything I had ever achieved had just flown out the window.  In my mind, I had failed and that canceled everything else out.  When you're a perfectionist, to fail is to lose everything.  I had lost everything.  

The big turn-around for me was when I finally made it into the counseling center on that fateful day.  I had no idea what perfectionism was, let alone that I had an extreme case of it.  When I realized how much of my self-worth was based on my achievements, it's no wonder I fell into such a deep depression after the pregnancy.  The more I learned about perfectionism, the more I realized just how destructive it had become in my life.  Perfectionism can be a positive thing because it can motivate you to do awesome things and it can keep you focused on setting high goals for yourself, but it can take over your life if you don't keep it under control. 

I'm proud to say that I am now a recovering perfectionist.  I have learned to recognize when my thoughts start to become too irrational, when my outlook starts to become too unrealistic, when I start to become too critical, and when my goals start to become too unattainable.  I have surrounded myself with easy-going, carefree people who have taught me how to loosen up, to let me hair down, and to get out of my comfort zone.  Nobody wants to be around the person who is always critical of herself and others!  

Don't get me wrong--I realize that I'm not going to be able to change who I am as a person. I'm still going to be the same Amy Hutton I was fifteen years ago.  Minus the big bangs and the buck teeth.  I'm still going to dislike the things I'm not naturally good at, I'm still going to be driven by the need to succeed, and I'm still going to be competitive at times.  I am how God made me, and that's not going to change.  But as long as I keep it all in perspective and as long as I'm not competing to do the best "downward-facing-dog" on the yoga mat, I think I'm going to be just fine. 

Reality of Being a Birthmom & Pepperoni Rolls

Sometimes I feel like I've come so far in the past five years.  I have been through some pretty tough life challenges, and I managed to survive.  Amen to that!  Since the birth of Deanna, I've spoken about pro-life issues, helped student moms, educated people about open adoption, graduated from college, landed a real job, and still maintained a close relationship with my daughter and her adoptive family.  I feel like I've accomplished so much in these past five years, and when I actually stop to think about everything I've been through, it all seems so surreal.  Is this really my life?  Sometimes I still can't believe how I got to be where I am today.

But sometimes, every so often, I have days where I feel like I'm right back to where I started.  Back to the bad stuff.  Recently, someone made a remark about how I "got knocked up" in high school.  I probably wasn't supposed to hear it, but I did.

Sometimes I think that no matter how much time has passed, no matter how much I have tried to right my wrongs and make up for my mistakes, some people will never let me be anything other than the girl who got pregnant in high school.  I know that I hurt alot of people because of my actions back in the day, but here we are five years later and I'm still paying for it.  I think I will always be paying for it.   

When you're a birthmom, your experience with unplanned pregnancy becomes a huge part of your identity.  And if you allow it to, it can take over your life.  It becomes a part of who you are, and it can be extremely difficult to relate to other people who don't understand you because of it.  When you're a birthmom, after going through arguably one of the most difficult life experiences known to mankind, you just have a different mindset and perspective on things.  It's hard to explain.  It can make you feel different.  It can make you feel alone.  It can make you feel years beyond your age.  Because when you're a birthmom, there are only a few people on this entire earth who can truly understand what you've been through.  That's mind-boggling.  Birthmoms: the few, the proud, the extremely fertile.

I recently received an email from a 15-year-old who placed her daughter in an open adoption about a month ago.  She said told me that she finally feels like somebody understands what she's been through.  I do.  Trust me, I do. I know how easy it is to feel like you're the only one when you're a birthmom.   

When people talk about my experience in a derogatory way, it takes me back to the high school lunch room.  This is my first memory of when my classmates first started finding out that I was pregnant.  You know how it works.  One person tells one person. That person tells one more person.  Soon everyone knows.  I remember standing in the lunch line waiting to buy a pepperoni roll.  As I stood in line, I glanced up and saw an entire table of football players staring at me.  They were pointing, whispering, and blatantly looking at my stomach as if they were going to see a baby bump suddenly emerge (I was two weeks pregnant).   As I made my way through the line, I got angrier and angrier.  I was truly embarrassed.  The staring continued, and I finally had enough.  I pointed at the ringleader of the table, and I gave him the double-bird.  Yep, I flipped him off with both fingers.  I know, I know.  That was really mature of me.  But at the time, it was my only line of defense. I paid for my lunch, and my emotions suddenly got the best of me.  Completely out-of-character, I marched right over to their lunch table and I asked them what the **** they were looking at.  Then, I seriously considered slapping the ringleader in the face with my pepperoni roll.  I didn't act on that urge, but part of me wishes I had for the sake of a good story and a nice week-long vacation from school.  

Over the past five years, I've learned to deal with criticism differently.  Instead of wishing to slap someone in the face with a carb-wrapped meat roll, I have found more constructive ways of dealing with things.  I think, I reflect, I blog, and I understand that people are people.  And some people are never going to let me be anything other than the girl who got pregnant in high school. That's the reality of being a birthmom. 

On the other hand, I know that there are so many people in my life who love me for who I am and respect me more for what I've been through.  There's a bigger, better part about being a birthmom that overshadows all the bad stuff.  It's called saving lives. When you're a birthmom, you have the satisfaction of knowing that you saved at least one life.  Probably more, depending on who has heard about your story.  Birthmothers take the road less traveled, knowing upfront that it's not going to be easy, all in the name of giving their child a better life.  Birthmothers will probably never know the full extent of the positive impact their decision has had on others.  Birthmothers are people who had acquired incredible mental toughness and maturity, and who have the satisfaction of knowing that sharing their stories can help so many other people.  How many people can claim that?  To me, that's one of the best parts about being a birthmom. 

This entire post has been somewhat of a word-vomit, but that's okay.  I'm not trying to make everything perfect.  I'm just trying to be real, to be honest about what it's really like to be a birthmom.  Sometimes it's just an explosion of crazy thoughts.  But I'm going to continue sharing because I know that somebody out there is taking something positive away from it.  People always ask me, "Do you have any regrets?"  My answer to that has always been no...until now.  After taking a trip down memory lane and remembering the lunch room tale, I sort of kind of slightly maybe just a tiny bit regret not launching that pepperoni roll after all.  That would have been a heck of a story to tell the grand kids someday!

New Year

New year = new look.  Hope you like.

For those kind folks who are interested in volunteering to help with the 5K Classic, please chime in with your contact information and someone from the volunteer committee will be in touch.

Christmas in the 'burgh:

Cheers!

Second Empire 5K Classic

Back to life, back to reality....so I'm back in Raleigh after spending a week in Pittsburgh for Christmas with the family.  We drove 8 hours back to Raleigh yesterday, so I'm a little exhausted.  And by drive I mean curl up in the fetal position under a blanket in the passenger seat while my boyfriend piloted my car through rain, snow, and freezing wiper fluid for the majority of the trip.  It's good to be back in the south. 

I wanted to let everyone know (very much ahead of time) about an awesome event to promote adoption coming up in Raleigh: Second Empire Restaurant and Tavern (yes, THE Second Empire) is proud to present the 10th Annual Second Empire 5K Classic.  The race date will be held Sunday, May 2, 2010 at 2:00 PM.  The event will feature the CU Fitness Center Pump 'n Run Competition.

 

The race will be celebrating adoption this year with proceeds benefiting NC Hopeful Parents. The mission of Hopeful Parents is to support, educate, and celebrate with members of the adoption triad. More specifically: to assist prospective adoptive parents in preparing to adopt, to provide community support for adoptive families and to honor birth families through charity.

This year’s event will include competitive and non-competitive 5Ks, a 1 mile fun run, as well as a kids dash. There will also be an expo area to learn more about adoption and supporting organizations.

For more information, visit the website at:  http://www.second-empire.com/race/ and don't forget to become a fan of "Second Empire 5K Classic" on Facebook.

I was invited to serve on the planning committee for this event, and I've met some pretty cool people involved in the adoption triad.  It's kind of a neat story.  The owner of Second Empire, Kim Reynolds, saw the article in the News & Observer about our adoption this past Mothers' Day, and she contacted me about joining her in planning this event to promote adoption.  It's funny how things have panned out from there.  We have a Public Relations agency working with us, and I've learned so much about event planning.  If Kim hadn't read the newspaper that day in May, I would have never had the opportunity to plan such an awesome event to benefit a cause that I care so much about--adoption.  This was either a case of being in the right place at the right time, or part of God's plan.  I'm gonna go with option two. 

So come on, bust out the old running shoes.  Even if you don't live in Raleigh, make it a weekend trip!  I hope that you will support and celebrate adoption by participating in this awesome event.

Open Adoption and Christmas

This past weekend marked the first time that Robbie, Deanna, and I--just the three of us--got to spend some alone time together since Deanna was born.  As De pointed out, this time was (hopefully) much less stressful than the first time (in the hospital).  When Robbie and I arrived in South Carolina on Saturday afternoon, Don asked us if we would mind babysitting that evening while he took his wife out on a date.  Robbie and I have never babysat Deanna before.  I had no idea what to expect!

After Don and De left for their date, Robbie and I let Deanna open her Christmas presents.  Robbie got her a huge Tinkerbell craft set, a Cinderella blanket, and a Disney Princess sweatshirt.  I got her a storybook creator craft, a Sleeping Beauty snow globe, and a book called Pinkalicious.  We spent the rest of the night playing with her toys.  The Tinkerbell craft set that Robbie got Deanna was a hit!  It even came with a little paint-sprayer.  That gift required alot of adult supervision.  I was afraid Don and De's couch would be painted green by the time they returned home later that evening.  Deanna's fine motor skills are exceptionally advanced for a four-year-old, and she managed to keep every bit of paint on the paper.  Whew!

Then it was bath time.  After Deanna's naked lap around the house, we managed to contain her and get her settled into the tub.  Once she was actually in the tub, bath time was much easier than I thought it would be. She loves playing with her bath toys, and she even knows how to wash herself.  It was a piece of cake!  I still can't believe she's not a little babe anymore.  I laugh when she calls me "Amy Hutton."  Robbie is just "Robbie"  but I'm "Amy Hutton."  Isn't it funny that she calls me by my full name?  I think she thinks that I have a double-name like many girls in the South.

After bath time, we read three books (including the ever-popular Pinkalicious) and put her into bed.  Robbie laid beside her and scratched her back until he thought she was finally asleep.  As he quietly tiptoed out of her room, Deanna said quietly, "Goodnight Robbie."  

We are so blessed to be able to experience Deanna this way.  I realized after Deanna was asleep, just how much work it takes to raise a child.  It's 24/7!  While I enjoyed every second of our visit, I was exhausted!  We played and played and player some more.  And I noticed something when we were playing.  Deanna loves playing with baby dolls.  When we were playing with her dolls, she would say to me, "Pretend you're the big sister."  This happened a few times throughout the weekend.  I think this is significant because my guess is that as Deanna gets older, she will probably start to identify with me as being more of a sisterly figure than a motherly figure.  After all, we are only 18 years apart.  As she gets older, I hope she feels comfortable enough to tell me anything and everything that you would normally disclose to an older sister.  Yeah, we've got a great relationship now, but I'm excited to see what the next few years of our lives will bring.

I'm not sure whether we will continue these Christmas visits or not, but as long as Deanna, Don, and De are happy seeing us, we would love to make visiting South Carolina every December a tradition for many years to come.  Aside from watching Clark Griswold flying down a snowy hillside on a sled coated with non-nutritive cereal varnish every Christmas, visiting Deanna last week has been my favorite Christmas memory yet. 

This post was written for Open Adoption Roundtable #11. 
"Write about open adoption and the holiday season."

Blonde Moments and Christmas Visits

I had an interesting morning.  It started with me running late...and it ended with me burning my hand.  Okay, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but sometimes I can be a bit ditsy.  When I was in 6th grade, I asked my mom how to make popcorn.  She said, "take it out of the box, put it in the microwave, and press the popcorn button." (in a slightly sarcastic tone that meant I should have known how to make popcorn by age 12).  So I followed her instructions exactly.  But she never mentioned anything about taking the popcorn out of the plastic bag!  It became known as the infamous popcorn debacle of 1999.  Our kitchen smelled terrible for days, and I was banned from cooking for the majority of my adolescent and young adult years.

Then, a few years later, I became a member of Team GAP.  That's right, I worked my way through college by constantly tidying piles of messy clothes and convincing customers that they needed to purchase that amazingly colorful cable-knit.  I hated it.  When I first began, they put me in charge of cleaning out the fitting rooms.  The fitting rooms were always messy, and I dreaded it.  One day, in the midst of the holiday shopping season, I was in extreme stress mode.  Must...clean...fitting....rooms...now.  I walked into a very messy fitting room, grabbed three pairs of pants that were strewn about the floor, walked out of the fitting room, folded each of them and put them back neatly on the shelf.  As I was folding the last pair, however, I noticed that they were exceptionally warm, and they necessarily didn't look like the style of jeans that we typically sell.  Not thinking much of it, I lackadaisically placed them on the jean shelf.  Moments later, I noticed a man modeling a pair of jeans for his girlfriend outside of the fitting room I had just cleaned.  SHOOOT!  I had a moment of panic as I realized that I had folded the pants that the man came into the store wearing.  I had just put his own pants on the shelf to sell!  Wallet, keys, and all.  How in the world could I be so clumsy???  I raced across the store, grabbed his pants off the shelf, and hastily threw them back into his fitting room before he returned from modeling the jeans for his laayyydayyy.  The man never noticed, but my co-workers never let me live it down.

Okay, so back to how I burned my hand this morning.  As I was rushing to get ready for work, I grabbed the pants that I planned on wearing today.  But the pockets on the rear were sticking straight up!  Darn.  I didn't have time to heat up the iron downstairs, but hey--wait a minute!  My curling iron was still hot.  I put my pants on the toilet lid, and pressed the hot iron over the first pocket.  Yes!  It worked.  Then, I moved to the next one.  I pressed the iron over the second pocket.  But this pocket was being stubborn.  So I tried to strategically "roll" the curling iron over it.  Bad idea.  I looked down and realized that the most vulnerable and tender part of my hand was pressed firmly against the hot curling iron. YOOWWWZZAAAAHHH!   Yes, it hurt.  Anyways, long story short, even though I may seem wise beyond my years, I still do have the occasional ditsy/clumsy/blonde moment many years after the infamous popcorn debacle. You may have noticed that in my blog description I have the words, "accident-prone" in describing myself.  Now you know why.

I have some great news that doesn't involve burnt popcorn, warm pants, or scolded palms.  I'm going to be driving down to South Carolina with Robbie tomorrow morning to visit Deanna.  I'm so excited!  Robbie and I decided that since we both really wanted to visit Deanna and the Dollars before Christmas, we might as well make the 3-hour trek together.  We're going to give Deanna her Christmas presents too.  This is the first year that we'll be able to see Deanna open her gifts, so I'm really looking forward to seeing that and spending some alone time with Don and De.  They're such great people.  Check back soon for pictures and updates on our fun-filled family Christmas visit.

Here are Deanna's latest gymnastic pictures...

Can you believe how big she is getting?  She's such a sweet pea.

"Save the Neck for Me, Clark"

I have the best job in the world.  Seriously.  I can't tell you exactly what I do or I'd have to kill you....and because that's not really the purpose of my blog.  However, the trade show in Chicago was AMAZING!  And I even got to catch up with my good friend Billy.  I love what I do, and I love the people I work with,.  How many people can truthfully claim that????  Yes, I am blessed.

I often find myself wondering how I landed such an awesome job fresh out of school.  I think alot if it has to do with the fact that I always want Deanna to be proud of me.  I worked my butt off in school, in my extracurriculars, and in every single aspect of my life after the adoption.  I really did.  Because when Deanna gets older, I hope she looks back at all of the things I did with my life, and I hope she sees that I truly made something of myself.  She's my motivation.

Here are some pictures from Thanksgiving and Chicago...

Caitlin has been my best friend since 1st grade.  We used to take our "first-day-of-school" pictures right here in front of my fireplace.   She thinks little babe looks just like me as a child.  Fun fact: Caitlin and I both had mono at about the same time...but we never came in contact with each other!   We're so much alike.

This is my dad and I on Thanksgiving.  My dad is the 7th of 10 children.  For coming from such a large family, he's surprisingly even-keeled and extremely easygoing.  And he can fix anything.  When I found out I was pregnant, my dad gave me a big hug and told me I was really taking the hard way.  But he stayed calm, in even the most intense and difficult situation, and I'm so thankful for that.

I'm so thankful for my grandparents.  This is my grandma and I on Thanksgiving.  She's stayed youthful and spry, despite double knee replacement last year.  And she absolutely loves playing Wii Fit!  Last year, she made Deanna a pillowcase with her name on it and Deanna loves it.  Deanna calls my grandma and pappap to talk every once in a while, and I'm thankful that they are able to maintain a relationship with their favorite (okay, and only) great-grandchild.

My family likes to hold an extreme talent show and play charades after Thanksgiving dinner...What, your family doesn't do that too???

I'm hoping to make a trip to South Carolina soon to see Don, De, and Deanna before Christmas.  I'll keep you all updated.

"Save the neck for me, Clark!"

-Cousin Eddie, Christmas Vacation

Signing off, I'm Amstel Light.  That's all folks!

Chicago, Here I Come!

Thanksgiving break was so incredibly relaxing.  Besides visiting family and friends and doing a little shopping, I did close to nothing and I absolutely loved it.  Sometimes I forget how to stop working, writing, perfecting.  It's nice to be able to put away the old laptop and cell phone and just relax  :)

On Thanksgiving day, we went to my uncle Marty and aunt Sue's house.  There were a ton of people there!  I'd say at one point there were at least 25 people in one house.  We stuffed ourselves silly, held a huge family talent show on the piano, and played charades and trivial pursuit. Then we watched Brian Regan stand-up comedy.  What a way to end the night!  "Ohhhh, show horses!"

Tomorrow morning I'm heading to Chicago for a radiology trade show for work.  Then I'll be going back home to Raleigh on Thursday.  I'm looking forward to working hard during the day, having some fun at night with my colleagues, and visiting one of my very best friends, Billy.  Billy and I swam together since middle school, and we have remained good friends. He's working in Chicago, and we're planning on meeting up at some point while I'm there.  I'm looking forward to catching up with him and reminiscing about old (good) times during swim team and such.  Like the time we were life guarding a rec swim together and we couldn't get the attention of an older gentleman who was still swimming laps when it was time to shut the pool down.  Always resourceful, Billy conjured up a large poking device from pool noodles and after several unsuccessful attempts, we finally prodded old man swimmer hard enough to get his attention so we could go home.  I think that story pretty much sums up our relationship. 

Chicago, here I come!

Back to the 'Burgh

I'm flying back home tonight for Thanksgiving break.  Back to good old Moon Township, Pennsylvania.  I'm super excited to see all my crazy/wonderful/amazing family and friends.  But at the same time, I still get apprehensive about going home.  The truth is, when I go back to Pittsburgh, it brings back so many memories from my senior year of high school.  And I don't like those memories.  I don't like them at all.

I left Pittsburgh when I was 7 months pregnant, moved to Raleigh, North Carolina, had the little babe, and I never looked back.  Okay, I'd like to think that I never looked back, but I actually did. The first time I went back to Pittsburgh after Deanna was born, I was really nervous.  I went back in September of 2006 to give my crown to the next Homecoming Queen.  I knew that people were going to bombard me with questions about what had happened.  Remember, I left with a baby in my belly and I didn't return with one.  I can see how that might pique people's curiosity.  I remember walking around at the homecoming football game, knowing there were a lot of eyes burning through me. So I put on a smile and kept it all together.  But inside, I knew that things weren't really all together.  Things weren't really okay.  I was depressed and very sad about my loss. I had lost a lot of weigh and I was still struggling with transitioning into being a college student after going through the entire pregnancy and adoption.  But my pride got the best of me, and I made sure nobody ever knew that I was struggling.   I'm doing great, everything is fine, and I'm very happy in Raleigh.  I love college, my daughter is great, and I couldn't be happier.  Thanks for asking. 

People can be so cruel.  There were people in my high school who, I believe, took pleasure in my unfortunate circumstance.  They pointed, they stared, they gossiped.  They were happy to see me quit swimming, to fail.  There were people who made unpleasant remarks, people who asked very inappropriate questions, and even several teachers who told me what I should or shouldn't do regarding adoption or parenting.  A figure of authority at school even suggested that I have an abortion. It was horrific.  I couldn't take it any longer.  I left school when I was four months pregnant to be home-bound tutored.  During this time, three of my teachers came to my house once a week.  I only had three classes left to graduate.  It was nice to be out of the spotlight and to be able to concentrate solely on graduating and my decision, but it was also very depressing because I was home alone for most of the day.  My parents were at work, my sisters were at school, and I was home alone with a growing belly. And the women on The View?  They became some of my closest friends. How I loved watching Elisabeth Hassellbeck and her growing belly.  I envied her excitement and how she had done things "the right way."  Aside from going to a bi-weekly appointment at our local crisis pregnancy center and visits from Robbie and my close friends, I experienced very little social interaction during that time. Memories.

As I've gotten older, I've become more confident and comfortable with the decision that I made.  For me, our open adoption just gets better every day.  So this week, I'm going to try really hard to push aside the bad memories and to just think about all of the good.  Because there really are so many great memories that I have of my hometown. (And there's nothing better than the Pittsburgh Steelers!)  My family and friends are a huge part of why I am where I am today, and I'm going to really enjoy the time that I have to spend with them this week.

When I go back home this time, I will still tell people the same thing I said four years ago--I'm doing great, everything is fine, and I'm very happy in Raleigh.  I loved college, my daughter is doing great, and I couldn't be happier--but this time, I will actually be speaking the truth. Now that's something to be thankful for.  Steel City, here I come!

Last year, My sister Michelle and I spent Thanksgiving in South Carolina with our aunt and cousins.
Here are some pictures we took to mark the occasion...

Hank & Bear, Trip to the Dentist

Well, it looks like Bear and Hank are getting along very well after all...
See how well our family members and pets are able to integrate? :)

Breaking News! Deanna had her first big trip to the dentist...

"No cavities here!" -De Dollar.

Sunday Afternoons, Adopting Pets, and Pink Phones

This past Sunday, Don, De, and Deanna stopped by my new house for the first time!  Don called me on Sunday afternoon because they were in town for the NC State football game and for Deanna's cousin David's baptism.  On their way back to South Carolina, they first stopped by Robbie's house because they agreed to adopt his dog, Bear.  Robbie has been keeping Bear at his house in Raleigh until his family gets settled in their new home in Dallas, but he can't take care of her anymore because he is constantly working, traveling, coaching, etc.  So Don and De agreed to "adopt" Bear until the Leonards are all moved into their new Lone Star State home.  Kind of ironic, isn't it? 

After picking up Bear, Don called me to see if they could stop by to see my new house.  He told me that Deanna had been asking to see "Amy Hutton."  That made me feel really good.  So, a few minutes later, the Dollars arrived at my house.  Deanna ran up to me and gave me a big hug.  She told me about how excited she was that they were taking Bear and how she thinks Bear will really like their dog, Hank.  I laughed.  Hank is a 150 lb Great Dane who's very mellow and likes to spend his days lounging on a big blanket in their garage.  Bear is a young, female Black Lab with loads and loads of uncontrollable energy.  I'm very interested to see how the dogs will adjust to living together.

So I gave Deanna the grand tour of my house, and I brought her upstairs to see my room.  My room is actually a bonus room that was refinished.  It takes up the entire upstairs, so it's pretty big.  Deanna exclaimed, "I want to have this room someday!"  I told her, "If you study hard and go to NC State someday, maybe your dad and mom will let you live in this room when you're in college!"  I could see the wheels turning in her head, as she excitedly thought about the possibility.  She quickly turned her attention to a picture on the nightstand next to my bed. "That's me!" she said excitedly.  I walked across the room and picked up my huge photo album.  Together, Deanna and I sat on the floor and we looked at pictures from the day she was born.  That was the first time I truly knew that she understood our families' evolving relationship.  She loved seeing pictures of Don, De, Robbie and I together at the hospital.  Deanna has an amazing memory, and she remembered every person I pointed to in the pictures, including people she hasn't seen in years.   

Then her attention turned to a small box under my desk.  Precocious little thing pulled it out and began sifting through it.  It was full of random junk that I still hadn't unpacked yet. Her eyes got wide as she reached in and pulled out my old pink cell phone.  I haven't used it in years, but I always saved it just in case.  She asked if she could have it.  I asked her why she needed it, and she told me matter-of-factly, "because I want to play mom and dad."  Sold!  After Don and De said yes, she was absolutely thrilled.  Of course it doesn't work, but she loves that thing.  De sent me an email today that said,

"You should have kept the mobile phone until Christmas - that has been the best gift!  Deanna has called you 1,000 times, along with everyone else we know. She even puts it beside her bed like she expects a call!"

While our afternoon encounter only lasted a short while, it's one of those fun little memories that I'm going to remember for a long time.  Open adoption doesn't have to be a forced, awkward relationship.  It has the potential to be something so much more!  Whether it's a long weekend at the beach or just a quick visit on a Sunday afternoon, open adoption is fulfilling and constantly-evolving.  I think every time I spend time with the Dollars I feel even more blessed to have them in my life. Open adoption is the process of learning to become a part of something that is so much greater than yourself.  

My relationship with Deanna and her parents probably doesn't seem very normal to most people--but when you're a birthmom, this is what normal is.  It's just another story of a day in the life of an incredibly blessed birthmom.  And yes, it's still 100% worth it--even if it means sacrificing my beloved pink cell phone... 

Mono, Selflessness, and Cooler Scooters

I finally figured out what the mystery illness was that was making me so incredibly sleepy all of the time--the Epstein Barr Virus--aka MONO.  I was completely caught off-guard by the diagnosis because I didn't have any typical "mono-like" symptoms except extreme tiredness.  No cold, no sore throat, no swollen lymphs.  (Yes, I just abbreviated lymph nodes).  Nevertheless, it was mono. Don't worry, it's not contagious anymore, but I'm still sleeping like a hibernating grizzly every day after work.  Good thing I was working out and playing contact sports (co-ed soccer and flag football) without knowing that my spleen could have exploded at any moment.  So there's that.  I'm on the tail-end of my recovery, so I'm and praying for some much-needed energy very soon. 

Alright.  So there's been a ton of stuff going on in my pro-life, pro-open adoption world lately.  On Friday afternoon, I met with a 40-year-old woman who is the mother of the cutest little blue-eyed 5-month-old-baby boy.  Due to unforeseen circumstances, she can no longer care for him.  Without exposing her personal situation, let's just say that finances are the least of her worries right now, and it's not good.  I was asked to speak with her about my experience with open adoption, as she has decided that she wants to go the adoption route.  When I first sat down with her, I was surprised that she brought her baby with her to our meeting.  He was cute as can be, and he sat happily in his stroller during our entire meeting.  His bright blue eyes kept shifting back and forth between his mother and me as we talked, and even though he was cooing and smiling, he looked like he understood exactly what we were talking about.  I half expected him to start stating his requests, "I'd like a nice family with a big brother, a two-story brick house, and one German Shepherd, please." 

I listened as the woman spoke about her difficult situation, and we discussed all of her options.  I have to admit, I was trying hard to hold it all together.  I wanted to adopt her baby!  I asked her if there was anything that Triangle Right to Life or any local church group could do to help her until she got back on her feet.  She looked me directly in the eye and she spoke with confidence. She told me that she was not concerned as much about her financial situation but more-so being able to provide the emotional support that her son needed.  It was clear to me that she had made up her mind about adoption.

When I speak to women considering open adoption, I don't try to persuade them one way or another.  I would never want a woman to go the adoption route if it's not what she feels is absolutely right for her and her baby, and I do not think that adoption is for everyone.  But I do think it's crucial to be honest.  I told her that open adoption is hard, that it's not easy, and that she will most likely be very depressed and sad if she goes through with it.  But at the same time, I also told her that I don't regret my decision and that I still love Deanna more than life itself. And my daughter will always know that.  That's comforting to me. I stressed the importance of choosing a family who she not only gets along with now, but who she could see herself having a strong relationship with 20 years down the road.  I think the relationship between adoptive parents and birthparents is one of the most important factors in the success of the open adoption and the well-being of the adoptee.  I told her about my experience and how we worked out the arrangements for our open adoption. I showed her pictures and I gave her advice on realistic expectations and coping with her decision. We even talked about starting a local birthmother support group afterwards.


Life is funny.  I felt like I had been called to speak to this woman for a reason.  I felt like I had a true connection with her, knowing that we had been in somewhat similar situations.  And I felt like I had helped her tremendously by simply lending a listening ear.  Who knows, maybe that's all she needed.  I think every time I encounter these types of situations I realize even more just how important it is for me to keep spreading the word about open adoption, to keep sharing my story, and to keep on keeping on.

Please keep this woman and her babe in your thoughts prayers and pray that she makes the right decision for her child.  I think the moment a woman is able to realize that her child's well-being is more important than her own, she moves closer to Christ. Adoption is a selfless act of love and a commitment to giving your child more, and I admire this woman for choosing to give her son more than she could provide. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 

In other news, I witnessed Deanna's first bee sting (yes, it was absolutely horrific), I had a great time eating fruit kabobs with Don, De, Deanna & friends at their tailgate, and I took my first ride on a motorized cooler scooter with my roommate, Emily, at the NC State football game Saturday. Great times.

Halloween Pics

Ask Amstel

I received this email today: 

"Thank you for sharing your story.  It touches me to see two families become one.  I am writing to you for hopes of being able to see a situation from the birth mom's point of view.  My husband and I are adopting a baby boy next year.  My childhood best friend's sister became pregnant and is unable to care for the child.  When we initially all sat down we agreed that she would have a few hours with the baby to say good bye.  (We are having an open adoption with her visiting monthly).  Now we have run into a road-block.  She and her mother think that she should have the entire hospital time for her to say goodbye, allowing my husband and I to visit for two hours a day.  My husband and I don't believe that this is enough time.  I came up with what I thought was a middle ground where we could come in every few hours or so for feedings.  But the birthmother does not agree with this.  I understand that she needs time to say goodbye, but my husband and I also need time to say hello and to bond with our son.  Now I know you can't tell me what to do or what the right thing is but I was hoping to hear how your hospital stay time was handled and how you felt it went for you and the adopting parents.  I need some insight on this.  I would think the more time the birth mom spends with our son it may be more difficult for her to let go.  Please HELP!!"

Thank you so much for contacting me.  First of all, congratulations on the adoption!  You all must be so excited.  It's encouraging to know that you are reading about my experience with open adoption. Unfortunately, while open adoption has the potential be incredibly positive for everyone involved, that doesn't mean that there won't be road-blocks along the way.  This is a really tough situation you have described, and I completely understand where both parties are coming from.  The hospital experience will be one of the most difficult and delicate times that you, your husband, and your birthmom will experience throughout the entire open adoption journey.  It's completely normal for the adoptive parents and birthmom to have different ideas of what the hospital experience should be like.  

I had a close relationship from the start with our adoptive parents, Don and De, and while I was originally very protective of "my baby," I began to slowly open up to them after getting to know them better.  After becoming very close with them, I wanted Don and De to be a part of the hospital experience because I wanted to be able to share that with them. But not all birthmothers are alike, of course.  Your birthmom may still be protecting what she believes is hers--her son--and rightfully so.  She may not be willing to open up to you completely because she is still struggling with her decision.  And that's normal!  Remember that any adoption is only a verbal agreement until the papers are signed, and that the birthmother or adoptive parents may change their minds at any time until then.  That being said, I clearly remember a standout remark from Don and De before Deanna was born.  They told me that no matter what decision I made, to keep the baby or to place her with them, they would be so happy for me and they would accept my decision.  That spoke volumes.  Really?  They won't be mad at me if I keep her?  That said alot about their character, and it showed me that they didn't just care about "getting a baby" but they cared about Amy Hutton as a person. I immediately knew that these were the people who I wanted to raise my daughter. 

Have you expressed interest in your birthmother's well-being?  Does she know that you care about her too?  The bottom line is that she may decide after the baby is born that she wants to keep him, but that most likely won't be affected by the amount of alone time she has with him.  In fact, there are some states that allow birthmoms to spend days, even weeks alone with their baby before adoption is finalized.  If anything, she may even realize how difficult it is to take care of him by herself.  I think (and hope) that your birthmom will be very appreciative if you and your husband allow her to have the space and time she is requesting to have alone with her baby in the hospital.  After all, if you don't honor her request, can you really expect her to compromise on other issues you may have?  Will she be able to trust you with her child?  These are all tough questions she may have if you don't show her that you can respect her wishes. 

I think that bonding with the baby is very important for you and your husband, but I also think that honoring your birthmother's wishes is more important.  Remember, you are laying the ground work for a long journey ahead.  It will take compromise, but this will be the first step in figuring out how things will work.  I encourage you to ask birthmom more questions about the hospital.  Is she afraid of anything?  Will you be in allowed in the hospital room during the birth?  Who will cut the cord?  Will you be able to hold him first or will birthmom?  Could you possibly take a hospital tour with birthmom beforehand to ease fears and to become accustomed to the environment?  There are so many other issues that you may be able to compromise on in exchange for giving her time and space.

It's tough to pinpoint an exact solution because each open adoption scenario is different.  I know it will be difficult to have to wait a few days to really bond with your son, but keep in mind the other side of the equation:  Birthmom is probably thinking that while she only has a few days alone with her son, you and your husband have the rest of your lives with him.  No matter how you look at it, the hospital experience will be a time of intense emotions, uncomfortable situations, and endless compromise.  I think it's excellent that you and your husband are preparing for this time and really thinking about how to compromise fairly.

A final suggestion I have is to try and bond with birthmom as much as possible during these next few months.  Have a family dinner together, get to know each others relatives, friends, and people they know.  What do these people have to say about each others character?  Encourage everyone to ask questions about anything and everything under the sun.  No questions should be off limits because the key is getting everything out on the table in order to eliminate fears and to build a solid foundation for your relationship to grow.  And who knows, perhaps she will open up and ask you and your husband to visit more often in the hospital once baby has arrived.  Of course, this is an ideal scenario, but only time will tell.  

I know that this probably isn't what you and your husband wanted to hear, but remember that I'm coming from a birthmother's perspective and I am partial to this side of the equation.  Please don't hesitate to ask me about any other questions or concerns you may have.  I'm happy to help in any way that I can!  Best of luck to everyone involved in your open adoption.  Remember, if you keep your child's well-being at the center of every decision you make, you will have so many positives to look forward to. 

National Right to Life Urgent Request

URGENT Press Release from National Right to Life:

WASHINGTON (UPDATED Nov. 4, 2009) --

Pro-abortion Democratic Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Ca.) is planning to try to ram the massive health care bill (H.R. 3962, previously H.R. 3200) through the U.S. House of Representatives this week. The most critical roll call will occur on a procedural vote -- called "the Rule" -- that is expected to occur late on Friday, November 6, or Saturday, November 7.

National Right to Life is urging every pro-life citizen to immediately TELEPHONE the Washington, D.C. office AND the in-district office of his or her representative in the U.S. House of Representatives with a clear and firm message: "I am a constituent, and I urge you to vote NO on the Rule on the health bill, H.R. 3962, because it does not allow the House to vote on the pro-life Stupak Amendment [pronounced STEW-pak]. The so-called pro-life language that Speaker Pelosi has put into the bill is completely phony. We are not fooled. A vote for this Rule is a vote to set up a new nationwide federal health insurance program, called the "public option," that will be authorized to pay for abortion on demand with federal funds. The only pro-life vote is NO on the Rule on H.R. 3962."

Even if you have already called and written your federal representatives about the health care bills, it is critical that you call again now. Pelosi's party currently controls the House by a margin of 256-177 -- but if as few as 40 Democrats are persuaded to vote with Congressman Stupak in opposition to the "closed rule," it would be impossible for Pelosi to ram the abortion-funding H.R. 3962 through the House. Time is short.

To read NRLC's November 2 letter to U.S. House members, explaining in detail the pro-abortion problems with the bill, click here.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

In order to register your opposition to Speaker Pelosi's strong-arm tactic, the "closed rule," that would allow passage of the pro-abortion H.R. 3962, please click the red phone above and then enter your zip code into the "Call Now" box. You will be shown the phone number of the person who represents you in the U.S. House of Representatives, along with specific suggested "talking points" for what you should say to the staff person who answers your call. NOTE: The best times to call the Washington, D.C., office of your representative is generally between 9 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time.

Encourage like-minded friends and family members to also make such calls.
After you enter your zip code, review the short talking points, then make your call. After the call, you will also be given the option of sending a short "feedback" report to National Right to Life by e-mail, telling us what response you received from the congressional staff person. These feedback reports are invaluable to the National Right to Life legislative team as they work day and night against enactment of this pro-abortion legislation. However, don't worry if you don't get an answer to your question - the most important thing is that your representative's staff registers that you want the representative to vote NO on the pro-abortion "Rule" on H.R. 3962, and that you INSIST on adoption of the real pro-life amendment, the Stupak Amendment.

NOTE: If you wish to also fax a letter to your representative in opposition to the "rule" that would allow passage of the pro-abortion H.R. 3962, click here to reach the page that, once you enter your zip code, will lead you to detailed information about your representative in the U.S. House of Representatives, including (in most cases) his or her fax number. Faxed letters are an excellent way to register your opinion. (But do NOT rely on U.S. mail to communicate with your federal representatives, because time is too short.) This link will also give you phone numbers for your representative's in-district offices. For maximum effect, phone your message to the nearest local office, during local business hours, as well as to the Washington, D.C., office of your representative, between the hours of 9 AM and 6 PM Eastern Time. The same page will offer you information on how your representative has voted on the key pro-life issues that have come up in the past.

For further information: Douglas Johnson Legislative Director National Right to Life Committee (NRLC) Washington, D.C. 202-626-8820 Legfederal@aol.com

To contact us by mail: National Right to Life, Inc. 512 10th St., NW Washington, DC 20004-1401 http://www.nrlc.org/ahc http://stoptheabortionagenda.com

I Love

Disney World

Guess who experienced Disney World for the first time last week?
Deanna Marie Dollar! 

Also present:
Deanna's mom and dad--De & Don
Deanna's birthfather--Robbie
Robbie's mom--Mary Beth 
Robbie's sister--Jacqueline
Deanna's birth 2nd-cousin--Caroline
Mary Beth's sister--Aunt Barbara  (Caroline's mom)
Mary Beth's brother-in-law--Uncle Todd (Caroline's dad)
And a whole gaggle of other friends and family.

No, Amstel didn't make the trip this time, it's always nice to see how our families continue to stay connected in each others lives--not because we have to--but because we want to!  

And yes, that's Mary Beth wearing the awesome pirate hat.  Arrrrrrr...

Project Rachel

I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.  Okay, I'm a huge hypochondriac.  There was the time two years ago when I was walking with my friend Natalie, and I felt an unusual bulge on the back of my knee/leg.  I reached down to feel the bulge through my jeans, and I freaked out.  I thought I had an abnormal growth or some sort of tumor.  Turns out, it was just a turquoise thong that had gotten stuck in my pant leg in the wash.  

Then, a few months later, I had an unusually sharp pain in the side of my lower abdomen.  I immediately got on Web MD, went through the "symptom checker" and I realized that my appendix was probably getting ready to burst.  I freaked out again!  I was minutes away from heading to the emergency room, when my friend Emily's mom, who's a pharmacist, suggested that I take a warm shower and see how I felt before taking such drastic measures.  Well wouldn't you know, after the shower I felt like a million bucks. 

Finally, just this past week, I thought something was seriously wrong with me.  I've been incredibly tired lately, and I could not figure out why.  I've been sleeping more than 8 hours a night and napping 1-2 hours after work every day.  I started thinking of all the worst case scenarios.  Maybe I have cancer?  I'm probably Anemic. I have mono. No, I probably got bit by a tick while camping a few months ago!  I definitely have Lyme disease.  As you have probably already conjured, my mind gets slightly carried away (okay, extremely carried away) when my health is involved. Finally, I went to see the doctor, and I had my blood tested.  No anemia.  No Lyme disease. No mono. Slightly elevated thyroid levels, but nothing to be too concerned about.  I worried myself into a tizzy.

During my time of anxiously waiting to get my test results back, I did alot of thinking.  I prayed alot, and I came to the realization that worrying gets nothing accomplished.  Nothing!  Easier said than done, right?  I always talk about trusting in the Lord and knowing that He is always good, but at a times like these when I feel that things are out of my control, I begin to worry, moving myself further away from God.  I'm human though, and I'll be the first to admit that trusting in God is not always easy, and practicing what you preach is not exactly easy either.

Back in November of 2004, I gave a speech to our entire school (for a mock presidential debate) about why abortion is morally, ethically, all of the above, etc. wrong.  Later that same night, I went to my best friend, Jena's house, and took my first pregnancy test.  Positive.  Talk about having to practice what you preach!  No, I wasn't ever considering abortion, but for the first time, I realized how a woman could actually think that abortion was necessary.  When I found out that I was pregnant, I felt trapped.  "But I'll never do it again," I pleaded with God.  It would have been so easy to secretly have an abortion and to continue swimming and just living the good life.  Nobody would have ever had to know. But instead, I realized that I had a moral obligation to give life to the child that God created.  (Jeremiah 1: 4-5 The word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart") 
I knew that I had to practice what I had been preaching all along. That's big stuff for an immature, irresponsible 18-year-old.  But, somehow, I knew that this is what God wanted me to do.

Here's what the Bible says about abortion: 

Jeremiah 31: 15-17
"A cry of anguish is heard in Ramah--mourning and weeping unrestrained.
Rachel weeps for her children, refusing to be comforted--for her children are dead."

..But now the Lord says, 
"Do not weep any longer, for I will reward you.
Your children will come back to you from the distant land of the enemy.
There is hope for your future," says the Lord. 
"Your children will come again to their own land."

There are so many other examples of abortion throughout the Bible, but I like this one because it clearly shows how, although the slaughter of innocents is sinful and wrong, the children "will come back...from the distant land" and Rachel is comforted in knowing that her slaughtered children will be saved.  This verse offers HOPE and FORGIVENESS to post-abortive women, and guidance to those who are considering it.  We are all human, and yes, we are sinful by nature, but God tells us that He forgives us for our sins. The children will be saved. Doesn't that offer you great hope?  Yes, God is good!

Project Rachel reaches out to all women and men hurting emotionally and spiritually after involvement with abortion.  This ministry helps heal your wounded relationships with yourself, your child, and God.  Extending God's compassion, unconditional love, and forgiveness, Project Rachel offers hope and peace.
To find the location of the nearest Project Rachel near you, 
click HERE.  

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

Sights and Sounds at the NC State Fair

As I mentioned in my previous post, I volunteered to man the North Carolina Right to Life booth at the NC State Fair yesterday.  What an awesome experience!  Here are some sights and sounds that I observed:

1) Many passerbys were intrigued by our "fetal development" display, which showed four realistic looking fetuses at different stages, (immediately after conception, 4 weeks old, 3 months old, 20 weeks old, etc.)

2) While observing the fetal development display, one woman said to her boyfriend, "I never knew that a human life could be so tiny!" Yes, girlfriend, you got it.

3) Pregnant women walked up to fetal development display and exclaimed excitedly, "I'm this far along!" while pointing to various fetuses.  I could feel their excitement, and that's exciting to me. 

4) Young boy was looking at fetal development display with his mother. Boy says, "Where dey're clothes be, mom? Those babies are naked in there."  Mom can't stop laughing and finally replies, "Babies don't have clothes on, Jamal!"  Boy exclaims, "You mean I wasn't born with no clothes?  That's gross!"

5) Engaging in an interesting discussion with a pro-life family.  The woman proceeded to ask me about which mascara I use, and I told her Maybelline Full 'n Soft.  She pulled out her own mascara and asked me to show her how to apply it properly so as to get her lashes long and curled.  Before I knew it, the pro-life display miraculously turned into a make-up booth.  I showed her how to turn the wand backwards while applying it to her eyelashes, and then I quickly moved on.  Gosh, I love people.

6) Inappropriate man commenting on the bumper sticker that read, "Abortion Causes Breast Cancer."  He suggested that we have a new bumper sticker made that should read, "Stay Pregnant, You're Breasts Will Be Larger."  I told him I would promptly pass that bumper sticker request along to the Right to Life president.

7) More than 10 whole pages of signatures received for the petition to make sure that taxpayer money is not used to fund abortion in any health care bill.  Ahh, success.

8) Morality/Ethics discussion with three male college students.  I liked listening to their points, especially that it should be a woman's right to choose, but I think I forced them to think harder about the issue, by explaining that the Declaration of Independence states that we are guaranteed the rights that are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Without the first right, "the right to life," there are no other rights an individual can enjoy. Individuals have rights only to the extent that their rights do not infringe on the rights of others. 

9) For the first hour, I was the only person working our booth.  As I grew more and more parched, I noticed that my booth was near another booth which had a large display of trickling water.  Isn't that so typical? My boyfriend came to the rescue with H2O just in the nick of time.  Then he helped me man the booth.  Yeah, I know, he's awesome. 

10) After 3 hours of work, tired feet, butter pecan ice cream, hamburgers, french fries, a variety of mullets in all shapes and sizes, and carnies galore, we finally got to enjoy the Eric Church concert later that night.  Eric Church had a broken foot, but that certainly didn't stop him from jamming out. He made a grand entrance by crutching onstage and hobbling around.  Priceless.

In light of the State Fair theme, I'm going to leave you with some of my favorite haircut pictures of all time.

NC State Fair Tomorrow

Working the Triangle Right to Life booth at the North Carolina State Fair tomorrow....stop by our booth if you have a chance! 3-6 Sunday afternoon. Hope to see you all there!

Triangle Right to Life Website
Triangle Right to Life Blog

Bloggers Who Have Influenced Me

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

Here is Open Adoption Roundtable Writing Prompt #8:
Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption and how. It might be someone who became an offline friend who supports and challenges you. Or a writer who makes you uncomfortable, but gets you thinking. Maybe a blogger who doesn't even know you are reading. Tell us about them and how they've affected you.

Okay, this is me now, Amstel, Stellie, The Amster, Amsters, Ames, Amiss, Maxima, Amakiss, what have you.  I decided to jump in on this Open Adoption Roundtable writing prompt because I've enjoyed reading the responses of some of the previous Open Adoption Roundtables.  They definitely make for some great discussion.  Okay, so a blogger who has influenced me....hmmmm.  This one's tough. I can't say that there has been just one blogger who has influenced me.  I am pleasantly surprised by the sheer number of people who are blogging about adoption in general.  Whether it be birthmoms, adoptive parents, adoptees, or families considering adoption, the stories about adoption on the Internet are plentiful (okay, you're right, I just wanted to find a way to use the word plentiful), interesting, and unique.  I have been influenced by every single adoption story that I have read.

I think I have been most influenced, however, by bloggers who have a negative view of adoption.  Bloggers who are opposed to adoption (natural family advocates) have influenced be because I never heard of any person who was opposed to adoption before.  I thought everyone would embrace my decision with open arms and realize that it was in fact a selfless act, not a selfish one.  After reading some comments from natural family advocates, I began to question my own decision.  Am I selfish?  Is Deanna going to hate me forever?  Is she going to have psychological issues, anxiety, depression, etc. as she gets older as a result of the adoption?  When I read more into these natural family advocates' blogs, I have to admit that I actually considered the "what ifs" alot more.  I thought about a worst case scenario of Deanna growing to resent me as she gets older, and I began to wonder if this could turn out to be a real scenario.

Then I turned back to the reason I chose open adoption for Deanna in the first place -- my faith.  Since the beginning of my pregnancy, I have relied on God to help me through this difficult open adoption journey.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  When I was in the hospital, signing the adoption papers, I made a deal with God.  I told Him that I would follow through with the adoption, as I believe He asked me to do all along, if He could promise that I would not regret my decision.  Ever faithful, He has not let me down.

I am thankful that there are so many different blogs out there about adoption because each one I come across educates me more about the decision I have made.  I love learning other people's perspectives, regardless of whether they are pro-adoption or not.  Each day, I learn something new about adoption, and I love that.  I am so thankful for bloggers with positive adoption stories to share, such as Heart Cries, the story of two Rebekas, Stephanie Jinelle's Journey, Andee Leigh, and The Story of A Girl.  These blogs carry me through when I'm having a tough day.  The Story of A Girl is a huge pick-me-up--because this young woman, who was raped in her own apartment and got pregnant, ultimately chose to carry her baby and place her in an adoption with a wonderful family.  She started Birth Mom Missions in an effort to "provide much needed (and often overlooked) service to women who have placed their child for adoption.  They offer guidance before, after, and during the adoption process to all women who ask, regardless of their choices made."  You can't tell me that's not courageous. 

While I'm definitely influenced by positive adoption stories by bloggers, I have been most influenced by those bloggers who oppose adoption because they have forced me to look deeper into my decision and to really come to terms with the "what ifs."  Make no mistake, these bloggers have not changed my mind about open adoption.  I still believe that open adoption has the potential to benefit so many people, including the adoptee, and I still believe, despite the negative stories, that Deanna will thank both Robbie and I someday for the difficult decision that we made.  The negative comments I receive often force me to think harder about other peoples' perspectives, to become more accepting of all views, and most importantly, to reaffirm my belief that I did the best thing I could for Deanna by choosing open adoption and placing her with Don and De.  There is absolutely no argument I have read that has changed the way I feel about open adoption. 

"Once we give our hearts to Christ, believing and trusting in Him alone for salvation, God says we become part of His family-not through the natural process of human conception, but through adoption.  "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship (adoption).  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father'" (Romans 8:15). Similarly, bringing a person into a family by means of adoption is done by choice and out of love.  "His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ.  And this gave Him great pleasure" (Ephesians 1:5). As God adopts those who receive Christ as Savior into His spiritual family, so should we all prayerfully consider adopting children into our physical families."
-What does the Bible say about adoption? 

 

AMAZING VIDEO!

Wow, this is crazy--two posts in one day!  But this video that I just saw warrants a second post.

Please watch this video...I know this woman, and she is amazing. 

Pam's testimony on how her Post Abortion Testimony saved the life of a beautiful baby that she now helps to take care of. 

Amen!

Holy Moly, 1 in 8?

Wow, I just read an article titled, "Why are 1 of 8 Girls Pregnant at Robeson High?"  Can you guess what the article's about?  Apparently, 115 of the 800 total females at a Chicago high school are pregnant.  That's astounding.  Officials say that the pregnancies are occurring despite prevention talks. What's going on here?

According to the article, officials say that a mix of factors is to blame.  "It can be a lot of things that are happening in the home or not happening in the home...Absentee fathers are another factor."  According to LaDonna Denson and several Robeson students, "parents not talking to teens and, in some cases, the pursuit of public assistance also factor into the pregnancies. Non of them thought they'd be moms at such a young age. They said they have support at home.  But not all girls do.  In fact, some girls get thrown out of the home."  

I think a positive in this story is that 115 women are not having abortions.  That's wonderful news!  But the problem is that teen pregnancy is a scary thing.  No matter how you choose to deal with an unplanned pregnancy as a teenager, no option will be easy.  Adoption, parenting, abortion.  All three choices have lasting consequences.  Once you get pregnant, there is not an "easy way out." I can't help but wonder what type of "pregnancy prevention" this school is doing?  Are they simply telling kids in health class, "don't have sex, don't do this, don't do that?"  Because I heard the exact same thing, and I didn't believe it would happen to me. I thought that birth control was a safe bet.  Obviously, now we all know that I made a wrong assumption. 

I have begun working on a letter to students, a slide show from my pregnancy, and a brochure about teen pregnancy and open adoption.  I think it would be absolutely amazing to be able to speak to these students at Robeson High School, but at the very least I would be more than happy to send them the teen pregnancy prevention materials in hopes that they would use them to educate students.  I'm not sure what the solution to this problem is, but I do know that if I heard someone like myself speaking about my experience with unplanned pregnancy, I believe that I would have made a different decision five years ago.  I think when a teacher or an adult tells a teenager to do something or not do something, it's easy to simply tune that message out.  When a peer or a young adult shares a personal experience, it is sooo much easier to relate to that. 

On another note, I came across a blog called, "After Abortion."  The more I read personal testimony from post-abortive women, and the more I meet and speak with post-abortive women, the more I believe that "abortion is a reflection that we have not met the needs of women" (Feminists for Life).  I read through some of this blog today, and I realized something that I never thought about before: Post-abortive women are afraid to speak out against abortion because they fear being shunned by both pro-lifers and pro-choicers.  What an excellent point!  When pro-life people bash women who have had abortions, they are only adding salt to the wound.  There is not reason to shun them; after all, don't we all make mistakes?  Redemption.  Post-abortive women are the people who have so much power because they have personal testimony about the lasting emotional, psychological, traumatic effects of abortion.  For example, Annie's Story, Pamela's Story, and Deanna's Story all share their personal accounts of how abortion has impacted their lives.  How wonderful it is that these women have had the courage to share their stories and to tell the truth about abortion.  

Deanna says that her blog "is a vehicle to express my opinions on choice as a woman who has been on both sides and now sees no other way but to recognize that LIFE is immediate and not to be discriminated against due to how early his/her development is. Life is a gift from God and His to give or take, not ours.....We do believe that God forgives and offers a momentum to post-abortive women to healing.  It is a process and different for each woman but my hopes are to make sure that if women don't feel they can ever tell another soul about their abortion experience, then at least they can view these videos and posts and identify with my experience knowing that they are not alone and that healing is theirs for the taking as well."

I think it's time that we stop shunning people for their mistakes, actions, sins, etc.  We are all sinners, we are all human beings, and we are all subject to temptation and sin.  We have no authority to judge others, to shun, or to criticize.  Let's leave the judgment up to God, and let's concentrate on working together to protect the innocent human life that He created. 

And now, I'd like to leave you with a stupendous video that I made with the help of Julia & Mary Beth Leonard to help you all prepare for the North Carolina State Fair this year:

Funny Thankfuls at the NC State Fair

Enjoy!

Public Speaking, Educating & Such

Last night, I had the amazing opportunity to speak with a group of adults in the Stephen Ministry Continuing Education Program at Grace Community Church in North Raleigh.  Stephen Ministry is a program that equips lay persons to provide distinctly Christian care to individuals who are experiencing all kinds of life needs and circumstances. Stephen Ministers are a group of gifted and dedicated volunteers whose mission is to provide personal, confidential, and caring support for a wide variety of concerns.  

I always get nervous before I speak to a group of people about open adoption.  I'm not sure why, but I'm always afraid that I'll blank out and forget the rest of the story.  I have this incredible fear that I'll be talking and suddenly I won't be able to remember what happened next.  It's silly, since I actually lived my experience, but nonetheless, something that makes me really nervous and anxious. 

I've learned that prayer has an amazing power to calm fears.  I prayed yesterday that God would help me to find the exact words to say to get the point across about open adoption--and He did!  The Lord has shown me time and time again that He is always good and that He is in always control.  I can only leave it up to Him to guide me in educating others about open adoption.  Blogging is easy for me.  I just isolate myself with a computer and a cup of coffee and words just start coming out.  Public speaking is different because all eyes are on you, and you have to speak about your sins and mistakes to a group of complete strangers.  "Hi guys, I got pregnant out of wedlock five years ago" isn't really the best way to start a speech.  Although it would be pretty funny if I did.  Last night was the first time that I feel as if my story flowed logically and naturally.  I wasn't nervous after I began, and the audience was intrigued and very interested.  I got lots of great questions and I even remembered to bring my gigantic book of pictures from the day Deanna was born up until present day Deanna Dollar.  I felt the presence of the Lord, and it was awesome.

I really enjoy speaking to people in a small, intimate setting like the high school class at Broughton and the adults at Stephen Ministry.  I like to simply sit in a chair, surrounded by my audience, and just speak from the heart.  I run into trouble when I'm given a microphone and a large audience that expects me to stand up.  A few weeks ago, I was asked to give a personal testimony about my experience with open adoption after a pro-life play in Cary.  I stood up with the microphone and looked out at a sea of about 200 faces staring at me.  Yikes!  Let me go home now!  Have you ever had a word vomit?  You know, when words just start coming out and you can't stop them?  That's what happened to me.  I can't remember exactly what I said, but I remember feeling very faint and light-headed.  What I actually said was probably somewhere along the lines of, "I..errrr...uuuuhhh, hhhh...hhhhh...hhhhheeeelllo. Welcome welcome welcome welcome!" I do remember that I forgot to mention what Robbie and I are doing now, the fact that I have started a birthmom blog, and some pretty major details of our story. I think the audience got the point, but this whole personal testimony thing has just been a huge learning experience for me.  I'm still learning how to let go of my fears and to stop worrying about making everything perfect.  Yes, I'm still a recovering perfectionist.

I'm thinking of starting a program for high school students to educate them about the consequences of teen sex.  I loved the class of high school students I spoke to at Broughton, and it has really inspired me to think of new ways to reach out to young people.  I want it to be different than just standing up and telling my story, though.  I want it to be unique, memorable, and more than someone coming to tell students, "don't do this!"  A video would be awesome, but I'd need some help. 
Anyone have any good ideas? 

Pictures from the State game this weekend:

You've gotta love the Family Circus classics...

Open Adoption Resources

I've been getting sort of overwhelmed with social media lately.  Between my three email accounts, Facebook , Twitter, Blogspot, and LinkedIn, I've become sort of lackadaisical in terms of social media lately.  Sometimes I feel like there is SOOOO much information that trying to keep up with the latest gadgets and networks is nearly impossible.  I've been doing alot of research on the Internet about open adoption lately, and I have found that there is significantly more information about open adoption than there was even a few weeks ago.  Everyday there are more articles, research, and blogs about adoption, and it has been rather overwhelming to try and keep up with everything.  Whew!  Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the Internet?

Regardless of the overwhelming factor, I think the Internet definitely serves as a spectacular way to network and communicate with people whom you would never have had the opportunity to come in contact with otherwise.  I also think that the more you research something (like adoption) the more credible you are when educating others about it and talking about it.  Anyway, I've some up with a list of awesome adoption and open adoption resources.  If you are interested in learning more about adoption and open adoption, browse through the links below and notify me if you find any other great websites.  

In no particular order:

• Open Adoption Solutions
• Open Adoption Examiner

• Birthmother Blessings
• Birthmom Buds
• Circle of Love Adoption
• Adoption Help & Guidance
• Our Open Adoption
• News & Observer, She's A Mother...
  
• Benefits of Open Adoption
• Open Adoption Bloggers
• Ask the Adoption Expert
• Adoption Voices 
• Heart Cries
• OMommaWrites
• Stefanie Jinelle's Journey
  

"In order to hear My voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust Me to everything that concerns you....Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me ad don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in my sovereignty." 
-Jesus Calling

 

Adventures in the Hospital

I came across an awesome blog a few days ago.  It's similar to my blog in that it's about a birthmother's journey, but the amazing thing is that this extraordinary 19-year-old woman has been blogging throughout her entire pregnancy and she just placed her baby in an adoption two weeks ago!  All of her emotions are so fresh and so real.  Reading her blog sort of makes me wish that I had thought to blog or even to just write privately about my experience during the pregnancy.  I started blogging this past February because 1) I didn't want to ever forget what I had been through 2) I wanted to help others to understand open adoption by sharing our story and 3) I wanted Deanna to be able to read it someday knowing that Robbie and I made this decision because we loved her sooooo much. So check this girl's amazing blog....

 Stefanie Jinelle's Journey

Reading Stefanie's blog really takes me for a trip down memory lane.  Really!  Just looking at her hospital pictures reminded me of how I felt in the hospital after little babe was born. Here's what happened during my experience at the hospital on July 11, 2005.  I'm very apprehensive of needles, and since I chose to have an epidural, the nurse gave me drug to relax me before the epidural (an epidural is a numbing drug that is administered through a gigantic needle which is placed in the spine.)  The relaxing drug gave me the giggles.  I went from groaning in pain from the contractions to hysterically laughing and telling ghost stories.  Don likes to remind me of this -- Don came into my hospital room as soon as we arrived at the hospital, and he asked how I was feeling.  I was in ALOT of pain, and he could tell. About 30 minutes later, I received the relaxing drug, and as De and Don sat in the waiting room, they heard hysterical laughter coming from down the hallway.  Don tiptoed around the corner and he heard the laughter get louder.  The laughter was coming from my room. He poked his head in, and he asked Robbie and Mary Beth what had happened.  Robbie told him that I received relaxing drug to prepare me for the epidural, and I proceeded to share a series of nonsensical jokes and ghost stories with Don, Robbie, MB and the rest of the hospital staff.  

If you know anything about epidurals, they completely numb you from the waist down.  Unfortunately, this meant that I couldn't really feel the "pushing" part of delivery.  People always ask me, "did the labor hurt?"  No, it really didn't at all!  I couldn't feel a thing--which was the problem.  Since I was numb, I couldn't really tell how hard I was pushing.  I probably would have been better off without the epidural because the delivery would be much faster.  More painful yes, but much faster too!  Anyway, Dr. Anthony kept encouraging me to push harder.  "I am!" I said, although I couldn't really tell.  After 5 hours of labor, he looked at me with a stern look above his bifocal lenses and said, "if you do not push harder, I am going to get the suction machine."  The whatttt?!?!?!?!?  "Okay, okay!  I'll try, I'll try!" I pleaded.  And Deanna was born a few minutes later.  Amazing what intimidation and scare tactics can do.

Don and De were behind a curtain in the delivery room, and the minute Deanna was born Dr. Anthony exclaimed, "happy anniversary of the slushie!"   (It was 7/11, apparently the anniversary of the slushie was on July 11th.)  We always thought that was a little strange. How did he know that?  And why didn't he exclaim, "ten fingers and ten toes, it's a girl!"  Then, immediately after the slushie comment, (keep in mind that Don and De were still behind the curtain) Robbie exclaimed, "what's wrong with her head?"  Babies tend to have misshaped heads when they travel through the birth canal, and this concerned Robbie, who didn't know that her head would eventually go back to it's "normal" shape.  All of these silly debacles make for some great delivery room tales. 

The nurses at the hospital were so incredibly understanding of our situation.  We far exceeded the maximum amount of visitors allowed per day, our family members seriously violated the hospital's visiting hours rule, and Robbie, De, and I all shared a hospital room together. All of these things were strictly frowned upon, but there were soooooooo many people who wanted to meet Deanna, and the nurses were especially sensitive to the adoption situation that was occurring.  They sort of turned a blind eye to all of our violations. The only time that they actually tried to enforce the rules is when the Leonard girls brought a huge box of fudge sickles and things got out of hand.

Our hospital adventures, although incredibly difficult and emotionally tumultuous, are some of my favorite memories.  Yes, I was heartbroken and so incredibly sad, but there are so many funny stories that came with that experience.  And the fact that I'm able to remember them all and smile is a pretty good sign.