THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY...

I've been a bit distracted this past week. I got bit on the leg by a dog while jogging, my family's cat died, and I chipped my front tooth all in the same week. Nothing like a little blood, death, and destruction. Go ahead, laugh it up. It's actually pretty funny. I was asked to speak at an adoption support group a few Sundays ago. The group is a support network for any person affected by adoption in the Raleigh area. We started out by saying introductions and stating how we were affected by adoption. A woman who was in her mid sixties had relinquished her daughter in a closed adoption more than 40 years ago. She had just "found" her daughter the week of our meeting. It was extremely emotional to hear about the pain and loss she had suffered as a result of the experience and how excited she was to hear her daughter's voice on the phone after 40 years. Like most women 40 years ago, she was pressured by her family to move away from her home and to give her child up for adoption. Nobody ever knew she had the baby except her family. She admitted that she has lived with so much regret and pain because she never knew what happened to her daughter. She described her life as "a living hell" since the day she gave up her daughter for adoption. It was difficult for me to share my experience with adoption after hearing about hers. I almost felt guilty that open adoption has allowed me to escape (somewhat) those feelings of not knowing. Unlike the closed adoption situation, my experience is a lot different because 1) I wasn't forced to participate in the adoption and 2) I don't constantly wonder where my daughter is and how she is doing. Every single birth mom at that meeting agreed that they wish open adoption was an option for them. It was so tough to hear the stories of guilt and regret that these women have had to live with. I began to realize just how many women were pressured by their families and society to leave town to have their babies, relinquish their children for adoption, and then return to their homes like nothing ever happened. I started reading a book called The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, which is the untold history of the million and a half women who surrendered children for adoption due to enormous family and social pressure in the several decades before ROE v. WADE. The "girls who went away" are the women (like the one mentioned above) who got pregnant and were sent away by their families to have their babies and place them for adoption so nobody would ever know. The book gives voices to the women who were told they had no choice but to give up their children and have since been haunted by the loss of their children for the rest of their lives. The stories Fessler uncovered reveal the degree of pressure brought to bear on these women, the lack of compassion and guidance shown to them, and the failure to appreciate the lifelong consequences of coercing a woman to surrender her child. My favorite quote is on page 97. "From everything I see, I think the general public believes that mothers who give their babies away are glad to be rid of them, they're glad to be rid of the problem. They think, 'She didn't care about that kid. She just wanted her out of the way so she could go on having a good time.' I've heard people say that. It's like if you have a child and you're not married, you don't have those same maternal feelings that other mothers have? I have never, ever met a mother who felt that way." -Yvonne, birthmother. I have often felt plagued by this attitude towards birthmoms. There have been people who questioned my decision and the love I have for my daughter because I chose adoption. Does adoption mean you care about somebody less? Absolutely not. I feel that I cared about my daughter too much. Just because I had a child and I wasn't married does not mean that I don't still have the same maternal instincts. Sometimes I feel like one of the "girls who went away" because I too left town to have my daughter. No, I wasn't forced into adoption and I wasn't trying to be secretive about it, but moving to North Carolina was an emotional escape for me. I didn't have to stick around Moon Township to deal with the negative stigma that being an unwed mother entailed. And I was happy to be out of there. When I returned, however, I obviously wasn't pregnant anymore and I didn't have the baby with me. It was almost like I had nothing to show for the pain I endured for 9 months. I was always honest about the adoption and I never tried to hide anything about it, but sometimes people were too afraid to ask about it. What happened to your daughter? Why did you chose adoption? I just wanted people to know where I was coming from and the reasons for my decision. Which is why I decided to start the open adoption blog in the first place. The Girls Who Went Away has been incredibly difficult for me to read because it brings back so many emotions that I felt when I placed Deanna with the Dollars. I can't read it without tearing up. Some emotions are happy (remembering Dr. Anthony yelling "happy anniversary of the Slushie!" the minute Deanna was born) and some emotions are sad (remembering holding Deanna for the first time after she was born and knowing that I couldn't keep her.) But reading this book has been another small part of the healing process for me. I know that I'm not alone and that there are so many birthmoms out there who struggle with similar feelings and emotions. As an extreme perfectionist, I have had a difficult time letting down my guard and admitting that I'm not perfect and that I still struggle every day. I have a hard time admitting that to anyone. But this blog has encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and to start being honest about my experience. And I will continue to do that. Thank you for reading/following my blog...you have no idea how much it means to me!