DE, THE BABY IS CRYING!

I'm going to visit the little babe, Don, and De for Labor Day Weekend next week...and I'm so excited! The last time I saw the Dollars was in May at my graduation, which is the longest period of time I've gone without seeing them. I'm sure Deanna must have changed so much since the last time I saw her. She's in the 95th percentile for height and 6th percentile for weight. Don said he's going to start giving her protein shakes to gain some weight because her metabolism is through the roof!

Don called me last week and asked me a random question that sort of caught me off-guard. "Are you ever scared to be honest with De or I because you're afraid we won't let you see Deanna if you make us mad?" I sort of laughed. The ole jokester! I thought he was kidding. But he wasn't. Apparently a woman on an adoption website had told Don that the term "birthmom" was offensive to all birthmoms. Don told her that I am not offended by the term "birthmom," and the woman informed him that he wouldn't know if I was offended or not because I'd be too afraid to tell him for fear that Don and De wouldn't let me see Deanna again. Don obviously knows me better than to believe that, but he wanted to ask just to be sure.

My answer to Don was "absolutely not!" I'm not afraid to talk to Don and De about anything. While the term "birthmom" may be offensive to some women, it's actually a word that I am proud to identify myself with. I wouldn't have described my blog as, "the journey of a 22-year-old birthmom" if I found the term offensive or degrading in any way. I don't care what you call it, as long as you understand that my experience with open adoption is real, it's an incredibly positive part of my life, and I'm going to be completely honest about it. It's not the term; it's the concept behind the term that truly matters: giving a child a wonderful life and family.

I think the honesty and openness that we share in our open adoption is the glue that holds everything together. If I ever had doubts that Don or De would take Deanna away, then I certainly wouldn't have chosen them to be the parents of my daughter. I made a choice to allow them to make the decisions that they deem best for Deanna, and I stand by them in every single choice that they make. Whether it be an outfit to dress her in, a sport to enroll her in, a savings account, or even a college education fund. The excitement I used to find in visiting just Deanna has turned into an excitement for being able to spend time with Don, De and Deanna.

I think it's easy for people who are not directly involved in our open adoption to rush to judgment about the relationships that Don, De, Robbie, and I share. They do not understand what they have not experienced. But we have become an extended family, and it would certainly take more than a few "honest" statements to diminish the bond that we have built over the past 5 years. Essentially, Don & De adopted not only Deanna, but Amy, Robbie, and both of our huge, crazy, wonderful families. We adopted each other, and that's alot of love.

Four years ago, De and I shared a single hospital room with Deanna for 3 days and nights after she was born. I remember the single moment when I fully put my trust in De to be Deanna's mother. During the first night of our hospital stay, Deanna began crying in the middle of the night, and I was incredibly exhausted. I rolled over in the hospital bed and called to De who was sound asleep on the couch:

"De, the baby is crying..." : )

ENTITLEMENT

I had a meeting in Durham tonight with the Triangle Right to Life board members. We took care of official business, I updated the group on my Media Relations work thus far, and we began brainstorming ideas for promoting the pro-life message in the Triangle. After the meeting was over, only a few women remained, engaging in small talk before we said our goodbyes. The woman whom I had written about in my previous blog post (Deanna, the one who wrote the book To Be A Mother) was talking about her book, and she got to talking about her experience with abortion and how she was finally called to adopt. Deanna said that after her abortion, she felt like God deserved to punish her for having an abortion by making her unable to conceive another child. This wasn't the case, as she eventually had two biological children of her own and adopted four more. She thought that she was "entitled" to a life without children because of her decision to abort her first child many years ago. Another woman in the group, (we'll call D for privacy purposes), chimed in. A 28-year-old attorney, who has been a driving force in the pro-life movement, has always dreamed of having a family. D said that she thought she was "entitled" to the ability conceive a child because of the work that she has done involving pro-life issues and protecting the unborn. Unfortunately, she and her husband have been having a difficult time getting pregnant and are now focusing on adoption. D said, "It's funny because I thought that God was supposed to just give me with a child because of everything pro-life that I've done. I realize now that God works in mysterious ways and that we are not entitled to anything in life." What a profound realization. I too am guilty of having felt entitled to certain things in life. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was angry with God. How could He do this to me? I thought that because I went to church every week and I was generally a good person, that I should be entitled to a swimming scholarship in college. I never really did anything terrible (sinning a few times here and there, yes, but don't we all?), but those dreams went down the shitter when two pink lines appeared. I didn't feel like I was entitled to be a part of the plan that God was laying before me. After I placed Deanna in the adoption with the Dollars, I kept hearing people say, "You will be rewarded for the sacrifice you have made because you have been so selfless!" I kept hearing those words resonate over and over in my head freshman year. When I ate alone in the dining hall or when I cried myself to sleep at night because I missed Deanna so much, I thought about those words. The entitlement. "When?" When am I going to be rewarded?!" I demanded of God. I thought that I was entitled to immediate happiness because I had obeyed what God had asked me to do: choose adoption. Looking back, I can think of many more examples of how I thought I was entitled to something because of my actions. Since overhearing Deanna and D's comments tonight, I realize now that we are not entitled to anything in life. God knows exactly what He is doing. He works in mysterious ways, and who did I think I was to question Him? Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like I've grown up alot during these past 4 years. I am better able to see things that I could not see before. My boyfriend recently told me about an author who compares God's plan for us to a tapestry. Four years ago, my life was similar to looking at the back of a tapestry: the crazy strings, the unrecognizable patterns, all of the confusion. Now, I am finally able to see the front of my tapestry. It's a beautiful picture that God created...and I like what I see.

TO BE A MOTHER

Deanna never ceases to amaze me. De has been posting videos of Deanna in her gymnastics class on her Facebook page, and I just sit there in amazement watching them. I have never seen a 4-year-old with such advanced athletic skills. I don't mean to brag, but it's like she's not even human! That last sentence made me laugh a little. The thought of giving birth to a child with supernatural powers is sort of entertaining. I guess that would make me even more similar to Hester Prynn from The Scarlet Letter. Now all I need is a giant scarlet letter A to seal the deal. If you've read the book you know what I'm talking about. Getting off track. Okay, so Deanna's a natural at every sport that she tries, but the best part is that she is enjoying every minute of it. I was definitely athletic and I loved sports as a 4-year-old, but Deanna is light years ahead of where I was. She points her toes without thinking, she has incredible balance, and she already has muscle definition in her tiny arms and legs. Robbie asked me once, "How do you think something so perfect came from the two of us?" I laughed out loud. "I have no idea," I said, thinking about the funny/dysfunctional/quirky things that are imperfect about each of us. Deanna must be a true combination of each of our absolute best qualities. Now that's a miracle! De called me last night to chat. She said that Deanna was asked to join a gymnastics team with 6-year-olds. She also said that the mothers at the gym were absolutely amazed at her skills and they couldn't believe she's only 4. The truth is, while it's awesome that Deanna is great at gymnastics, I know that De couldn't care one way or another. She just wants Deanna to be happy. I can tell from the videos that De posted that Deanna is having a blast rolling around on the mats, swinging from the uneven bars, prancing along the balance beam, and doing crazy backwards rolls all morning long. That makes me happy. A wonderful woman whom I got to know through Triangle Right to Life released a book yesterday called To Be A Mother. Her name is Deanna Jones (name coincidence!), and the book is about her personal experience with abortion, opening her heart to Jesus, and finally forgiving herself. She now has two biological children of her own, and she and her husband have adopted four children from different countries around the world. To Be A Mother: Adopting God’s Heart The Aftermath of Abortion and the Power of Redemption Deanna Jones found herself pregnant at the age of 19. In an unstable relationship, and with a musical career starting to take off, she decided she was not ready for motherhood. “No way,” she said. “This is my life, my body.” And so she made an appointment at a local clinic. But she was not prepared for the overwhelming despair that would result. After the abortion she was left with a feeling of emptiness and loss. “Legalized abortion denied me a beautiful gift from God,” she says. “The desperation post-abortion far outweighed the desperation during my brief, unplanned pregnancy, and I was so off balance that I felt as if I would never be able to hold onto anything ever again. A part of me was missing and I would never get it back.” There is a happy ending, however. To Be a Mother is not focused on Deanna’s loss, but rather, it is a story of redemption, resurrection, God’s grace, and His extravagant blessings. Deanna found that by facing her actions and calling out to the true Father, she would be transformed, forgiven, and enlivened. With the Lord by her side, she was able to move from a difficult childhood and a painful abortion decision to the miraculous redemption of Christ and the healing joy that came from the birth and adoption of her six children. “The poignant and compassionate words of Deanna Jones articulate America’s latent sorrow in the aftermath of our abortion culture. Deanna’s sympathetic perception is borne from a personal encounter with grief. Listen to her and be illuminated, healed, and refreshed.” —Troy Newman President, Operation Rescue “To Be a Mother truly highlights the healing presence of Christ in Deanna’s life. She eloquently travels from her painful past to her redemption and new life in Christ. This book would be an inspiration to any woman, or man, who has suffered, as Deanna has, and is searching for healing.” —Theresa Burke, PhD Author of Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion Founder, Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries “Finally, in To Be a Mother, Deanna beautifully redefines the term pro-life—pro-life and pro-adoption become one. An elegant portrayal of the choice to give redeeming love that makes receiving it in turn so much sweeter.” —Carolyn Twietmeyer, Founder/Executive Director, Project HOPEFUL This true story shows us firsthand that God is compassionate, illustrating the relentless nature of His pursuit to save and claim His children and allow them life everlasting. The Bible declares that the Lord will turn our mourning into gladness and our despair into praise (Is 61:3), and for Deanna Jones, this has become truth. Follow her inspirational story as she is lifted from a wounded child to a place of understanding and joy as a woman of God. To Be a Mother is a celebration of life, of motherhood, and the sanctity of life itself. ISBN: 978-1-4327-3839-6 Format: 5.5 x 8.5 paperback Genre: Christian Life / Women’s Issues About the Author: Deanna Jones was born and raised in Rockford, Illinois, and is currently a bandleader and singer for the New York based band The Deanna Jones Orchestra. She considers her greatest assets to be her six children—two by birth, and four by miraculous adoption. Her web site, www.tobeamother.com, (<http://www.tobeamother.com> ) is dedicated to the miracle of motherhood, and she and her husband, Mark, are active pro-life, adoption advocates.

Amazon.com: To Be a Mother: Adopting God's Heart (9781432738396): Deanna Jones: Books

HOUSE OF HOPE OF NC

House of Hope of North Carolina opened in March of 1998 as a Christian therapeutic school, home and counseling center for hurting and troubled girls, ages 12 to 17. House of Hope has an intensive program offering Christian education and counseling for girls and their families regardless of their financial situation. Their mission is to build hope, change lives and restore families through the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. House of Hope has an intensive program offering Christian education and counseling for girls and their families regardless of their financial situation. Their nonprofit ministry is unique because they require parents to participate in weekly counseling and weekly parenting skill workshops. When the girls enter the House of Hope program, they are expected to progress through the following phases while earning additional privileges and spending more time with their family.

Each Tuesday night, House of Hope holds Family Life Training workshops (FLT). Those in attendance are typically residents, outpatient girls, and the parents and guardians. Issues such as listening skills, conflict resolution, personality differences, and other various life skills are taught. So guess who was the guest speaker last night? Amstel. That's right...I had the privilege of sharing my open adoption story with the girls and their parents. 

There were probably about 30-35 people in attendance, and it was really cool to be able to share my experience about overcoming challenges and obstacles and getting to where I am today. Although most probably didn't relate entirely to the open adoption aspect, there were a few important lessons that I tried to get across. 

1) There are consequences for having premarital sex.

2) Abortion is not the answer to unplanned pregnancy.

3) Challenges and obstacles in life serve as a means for us to strengthen our relationship with Christ.

4) God has a plan in store for each of us, and we must learn to accept His plan.

5) You are in charge of your own happiness.

The "you are in charge of your own happiness" lesson was important for me to express because it wasn't too long ago that I was feeling the same as many of the girls I was speaking to. I remember how difficult it was for me to be happy during my freshman year, when I was miserable, depressed, and I hated my life. It took a few defining life experiences to finally push me in the right direction and start taking responsibility for my own happiness. 

When I began taking questions from the audience, a 15-year-old girl raised her hand. She told me that she was adopted, but it was a closed adoption. She asked me what goes through the mind of a birthmom when deciding to give up a child. Holy smokes! That was tough. I knew that she probably had lots of questions for her own birthmother. I searched for the right words to express how I felt when I made my decision. "It's the most difficult decision in the world," I said, "because I knew that what I wanted (to keep Deanna) and what was best for my daughter (for her to have emotional/financial stability) were two completely different things. I felt so sad and hurt because I couldn't raise my daughter myself, but I also felt proud that I was smart enough to realize that. I knew that Deanna deserved to be with a loving family who could provide all of the things I could not at the time." (Or something along those lines.)

I think she seemed pretty satisfied with my answer, and while she probably still has lots of questions for her own birthmother, I hope that it at least helped her to realize that any woman who chooses adoption is most-likely a commendable, selfless person, who simply wants the best for her child.

I WANT TO BE A "LIFEGARDEN"

BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY

These past two weeks just flew by! Vacation was relaxing and wonderful, but as always, it went by way to quickly. And now my roommates and I are finally moved into our new house so hopefully things are finally settling down and I'll be able to blog more often. *Sigh* Hopefully. De called me when I was in Florida last week, and she wanted to share a funny Deanna story that happened recently. (It seems that there have been an increasing number of funny Deanna stories as her personality develops...). Deanna has become obsessed with babies lately. She has a million baby dolls that she cares for, and when her baby cousin Grace was born, she made Don unwrap the entire baby so that Deanna could see her toes. Deanna has been begging Don and De for a baby sister, so De tried to her best to explain that babies grow up, they don't stay babies forever, and that it probably wouldn't happen. It's hard to reason with a 4-year-old, so De suggested that Deanna pray about it. The next day, Deanna woke up and asked De excitedly, "are we getting one?" De laughed and asked Deanna, "Now where in the world do you think we're going to get a baby sister?" Deanna replied matter-of-factly, "Amy Hutton." Smart child. I laughed out loud when De told me the story. As much as I'd love for Deanna to have a baby sister, I'm don't have aspirations to become a family breeder. 9 months of morning sickness, being kicked in the ribs and showing off my sexy cankles was enough to last me at least another few years. Besides, I've already donated all of my maternity clothes. :) It's been a few months since I've visited Deanna in Myrtle Beach, and I really miss it! As much as I've been wanting to visit, it seems like I haven't had a free weekend in ages. I'm hoping that will change very soon. Luckily, the NC State football season is right around the corner, and I'll be seeing plenty of Don, De, and Deanna at the home games. Robbie and his friend Josh went to visit Don, De, and Deanna two weekends ago. They went to the beach and to a water park, so naturally I confiscated pictures from some of De's facebook albums and included them below. I love checking De's photos to see what they've been up to... De has been taking Deanna to a gymnastic camp this summer, and Deanna was given an "invitation only" to join the Ocean Pearls team for 3-5 year olds. Great form! When I hear exciting stories like that, it makes me really realize how much of a blessing it is that Don and De are able to provide such wonderful opportunities for the little babe. Check out her handstands!

PAINTING, MOVING, BEING A MAN

I've been rather absent-minded lately. I am in the process of moving out of my apartment and into a house with two of my best friends. The problem lies in the fact that we have to be out of our apartment by August 7th and we can't move into the house until August 10th. Bummer. We'll be homeless for approximately 3 days. Does anyone know of a decent soup kitchen? Bad joke. On top of that, we have to paint all of the walls back to white in our apartment before we move out. Did I mention I'll be on the annual Hutton family vacation in Florida next week? To break it down for you, that means my move-out-of-the-apartment date is now bumped up to Friday. Yes, Friday as in today. My life is pure and utter chaos and I'm in full stress mode. Anyway, I spent the entire night painting my bedroom, dining room, and kitchen walls back to white. Five hours and a million coats of paint later, my roommate Katy and I had paint everywhere. We lost alot of good clothing items out there. Finally, when my arm was on the cusp of falling off and I could paint no longer, I passed out on my bed. When I woke up this morning, I realized that I had slept in a room full of paint fumes. Indeed, I had not even thought to crack a window. I'm feeling a bit silly this morning and I'm thinking it may have something to do with paint fumes. Gooooood thing. So I've had a few things I've been meaning to address. Lunch with birthmom Leah was awesome! It was so great to meet somebody who understood where I've been and what I've gone through. She was just the sweetest person and we had so much to talk about. You may recall that Leah is a 22-year-old birthmom whose daughter was also placed in an open adoption. We met at Panera on Saturday, and she told me about an organization called Birthmom Buds that connects birthmoms in a social network. They even have a special celebration for Birthmother's Day every year. How cool is that? I contacted the woman in charge and I'm now officially a Birthmom Bud. Sweet. Here's a quote from the Birthmom Buds website that I thought was very fitting for finally having the opportunity to meet with Leah: "Friendship is born at the moment when one says to the other, "What, you too? I thought I was the only one." -http://www.birthmombuds.com Moving right along. A blog follower recently made a comment inquiring whether Robbie, Deanna's birthfather, and I are still together. The answer to that questions is no, Robbie and I are not dating anymore. We are both happily dating other people, but Robbie is still my best friend and I have such an incredible respect for him after everything we have been through together. When I started writing this blog, I wanted it to include as much detail as possible about open adoption without invading anybody's privacy. I usually shy away from mentioning alot about Robbie in my blog because I definitely want to respect his privacy, but I realized that it might translate into readers thinking that Robbie is not involved in our open adoption situation as much as I am. And that's simply not the case at all! Robbie is just as involved in Deanna's life as I am--and possibly even more. He loves that little girl more than life itself, and it's amazing to see the connection he has with Deanna. Robbie could have simply walked away when we found out that I was pregnant, but he didn't. He stuck by me through the entire experience, and I think that speaks volumes about his character. A few months ago, a friend asked me to speak to the freshman in his resident hall on campus about crisis pregnancy and open adoption. (They have to have a certain amount of educational programs planned for their residents) I was all for it...until I heard that it was going to be a mostly male audience and I became hesitant. "These freshman guys aren't going to listen to an older girl talk about pregnancy and adoption," I thought. So I asked Robbie to accompany me to help me talk to the men. I knew he would have a bigger impact than I could. Sure enough, he came through for me and he did an amazing job. He spoke from his heart about his personal experience with crisis pregnancy and open adoption, and I could see how much of an impact he had. The guys could not believe that Robbie Leonard, the starting linebacker for NC State football team, was standing in the same room, having a personal conversation with them, and they were hanging onto every single word he said. My favorite part was when Robbie expressed the importance in "being a man" and taking responsibility for his actions. I think it's a very common occurrence for men to run when they find out that their girlfriend is pregnant. And it's really sad to think that women feel forced to have abortions for this very reason. So when I think about the way that Robbie has handled the entire situation, I feel so blessed that I had such a strong person to support me through it all. I think that men everywhere should take some time to reflect on how they would have handled the same situation. Would you stick around and take responsibility for your actions? Or would you run? If every man took the same responsibility that Robbie Leonard has, I think the world would be a much better place.

CONNECTIONS...

It's amazing, the crazy connections I've discovered these past few weeks. It began at the Triangle Right to Life meeting and it just keeps getting better. At the Triangle Right to Life meeting a few weeks ago, a man approached me afterwards and introduced himself as Nelson Dollar, a Representative in the North Carolina General Assembly, who happens to be Don Dollar's distant cousin. How random is that? He's actually met Deanna quite a few times before. Small world. Then, a few days ago, I received a comment on one of my blog posts from a birthmom named Leah, who had read my story in the N&O a few months ago. It turns out that we are both 22 years old, we both placed our daughters in open adoptions in Raleigh, and are daughters are both only a year apart in age. I was so thrilled to find another Christian birthmom who has such a positive open adoption story. She even has a really cool birthmom blog too! Check it out-->> http://omommawrites.com/

After a few messages back and forth and a phone call later we are going to meet for lunch tomorrow. I am so excited to meet a fellow birthmom! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person alive who truly understands what it’s like to go through the entire open adoption experience as a birthmom, so I’m really looking forward to meeting her and hearing more about her story and her perspective. I'll keep you updated! On another note, Don just taught Deanna how to ride a bike without training wheels and how to drive the golf cart by herself. She just turned 4 last week! I'm hoping this is a sign that Don will have Deana ready for her Olympic swimming debut by the time she turns 10...

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS OPEN ADOPTION?

I finally donated all of my maternity clothes to Birthchoice during my lunch break today. It took me four freaking years to get it done, but I finally did it. Phew. Check! So what exactly does "open adoption" mean? The truth is, open adoption is different in every single open adoption scenario because it is tailored to the needs of the birthfamily, the needs of the adoptive family, and most importantly, the needs of the adopted child. According to www.adoptioninsight.org, "The primary difference between a truly open adoption and a semi-open adoption is that the adopted child has the potential of developing a one-on-one relationship with his or her birthfamily. It is not about the adoptive parents bestowing birthparents with the privilege of contact, nor is it about birthparents merely being available to provide information over the years. Direct contact, in the form of letters, phone calls and visits between the birthfamily and the adopted child, along with his adoptive family, is essential if they are to establish their own relationship. After all, how can we honestly call an adoption "open" if the child is not involved?" When we first met with Don and De to discuss the possibility of having an open adoption, they told Robbie and I to ask them anything. After all, open adoption is truly about "openness" and being completely honest. So that's how our relationship began. "How often will we get to see her?" "What happens if you move away?" "Will you adopt other children?" "How will you discipline Deanna?" "How much will Robbie and I be able to stay involved in Deanna's life as she gets older?" "Why can't you have children of your own?" and "Are you both Christian?" "What religion would Deanna be raised to practice?" Every single question mattered. And we talked ALOT about them. We began laying the groundwork for how our open adoption would work. We decided to keep Deanna at the forefront of all decisions we would make, as it would ultimately be up to her in deciding how much involvement she would want to have with her birthfamily. After Deanna was born, we saw her a few times a week. In fact, the day that we left the hospital we were invited to have dinner at Don and De's house. During a typical week, the Dollars would have us over for dinner one night, or I would simply call De and stop by when I had some free time to visit between classes. It made me happy to have the freedom to see Deanna often, even though I didn't always take advantage of it. There was a peace of mind I had in simply knowing that I could stop by anytime. When I needed time to myself or I just didn't feel emotionally okay to visit Deanna, there was never any pressure, and I loved that. "I'm not really feeling up to visiting this week," I would say. No explanation needed. De just understood. When Deanna turned 2, Don accepted a job in Myrtle Beach, hence moving the family to South Carolina. I was upset at first, but I knew from the previous conversations we had that the possibility of them moving was never out of the question. I knew that we would see less of them, but it actually was a blessing. It gave me a little bit of space to concentrate on figuring out who I was and it also provided me with the opportunity to truly cherish the times that I did get to spend with them when they came to town. Since most of Don's family still lives in Raleigh, and he has lifetime rights to season tickets for all NC State football games, I knew we would be seeing alot of them. And I was right. Over the past four years, I have discovered what open adoption means to me. But the truth is, words cannot even begin to describe it. I cannot accurately tell you what open adoption means to me because it's something so incredibly special. It's something you would have to be a part of to truly understand. (And no, I'm not suggesting that you get pregnant so you can experience open adoption at its finest!) But I do hope that my blog will, at the very least, provide a glimpse of how God has chosen to use our open adoption story to help others and to save lives.

JUST SO YA KNOW...

Why in the world is a blog about a birthmother's journey called "Amstel Life?" I vaguely explained my reasoning in my first blog post, but I'm not sure anyone really understood or read that far down. Plus, for my new followers, it might seem a bit confusing or even slightly immature that a blog about open adoption contains the name of a popular alcoholic beverage. However, I do have a good reason for naming my blog "Amstel Life." The title, "Amstel Life" is actually significant because it represents a major turning point in my life. The first year after I placed Deanna with her new family, I was emotionally distraught and severely depressed. A little more than a month after Deanna was born, I was forced to transition from a way-too-mature-for-my-age 18-year-old into a college student in a new state, hundreds of miles away from my family and friends and everything that I knew. Unbeknownst to my new friends and acquaintances at school, I was suffering from severe postpartum depression, and I had even gone so far as to stop eating. I started seeing my counselor halfway through my freshman year at Meredith College, and things started getting a little better. I finally started to enjoy some aspects of my life as a college student, and I began making friends at school. Granted, I was still hurting, but things were getting better. Finally, during my second semester at Meredith College, I was actually having fun. It was a strange feeling; I almost felt guilty for going out and having such great times with my friends. One memorable night when I was out at a college gathering with my friends, I managed to convince people that my name was "Amstel." I don't know what provoked me to make such a bold claim, but it was amusing to my friends, and it made me laugh. Yes, something actually made me smile. Eventually, my tale got so out-of-control that I had everyone believing that my name was Amstel because I was the product of my parent's wild honeymoon in Holland. Even some of my friends believed me. Of course, I eventually broke down and told the truth, but not before everyone got a few good laughs out of it. My friends started calling me Amstel after that night--not because I liked the beer (actually I had never even tried Amstel until this year)--but because it was the first time that I actually remember letting loose after the entire adoption ordeal. I was finally able to put aside my maturity and everything that I had been through and just enjoy being a normal 18-year-old. So what exactly is "Amstel Life?" It's my turning point. It's me, Amstel, and this is my crazy life. It's not pretty, and it's not perfect (although sometimes I try to pretend that it is). But it's my journey of healing and helping others to understand what open adoption has the potential to be--a viable option for those experiencing unplanned pregnancy. Amstel life is not my way of promoting alcohol (although I have grown to enjoy the taste of an ice-cold Amstel Light every now and then), but rather, it represents the point in my life that I honestly knew that I was going to be okay. And that's Amstel Life.

JESUS CALLING

Back in March of this year, Robbie's mom, Mary Beth Leonard, gave me a special gift. During a time when I was struggling to be too many things to too many people, Mary Beth recognized my perfectionist tendencies, and she pulled me aside. She gave me the "you're doing way too much and stressing yourself out" speech that she's given me a million times since the baby was born. I always knew she was right, but I never really did anything to fix it. I always thought, "I will stop" but I never did. I could never pull myself away from doing too much. On this particular day in March, however, Mary Beth not only gave me 'the speech," but she also gave me a book called, Jesus Calling. The book is written as if Jesus is speaking to you, and it is a year's worth of daily readings to help bring you closer to Christ. "I want you to read the daily reading each day, and really concentrate on relaxing and listening to what Jesus is saying," Mary Beth said. I had no idea then, (I know Mary Beth did!) but the book has actually helped me to slow down and really focus each day on what Jesus is calling me to do, rather than focusing on the forces that are constantly trying pull my life in a million different directions. It has been such a tremendous blessing! I'm not sure why, but I've been worrying alot about the future this past week. Maybe it's the realization that Deanna won't be little forever, or maybe it's just uncertainty, but I've been really stressed out about about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and what lies ahead. When I read yesterday's Jesus Calling passage, you could have knocked me over with a feather. "Do not worry about tomorrow! This is not a suggestion, but a command. I divided time into days and nights so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle. My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time. When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame. You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended for you to carry...Anxious thoughts meander about and crisscross in your brain, but trusting Me brings you directly into My Presence. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times." -Jesus Calling (by Sarah Young) How incredibly appropriate. Thank you MB! Check out the pictures from the Triangle Right to Life ice cream social this weekend!

TRIANGLE RIGHT TO LIFE

I've had quite a few people ask me about how I did on July 11th. And the answer is much better than I expected. I only had three private mini-breakdowns throughout the day along with a few random tears here and there. It was tough, but Saturday was actually a very unique and special day, not just because it was Deanna's 4th birthday, but also because I had the awesome opportunity to share my open adoption story with 40-50 members of "Triangle Right to Life." Triangle Right to Life is the Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill chapter of North Carolina Right to Life. It was formed a few months ago in an effort to build a culture of life in the Triangle community. I attended this meeting originally because I wanted to get involved in a pro-life organization in the community of Raleigh, outside of the campus/college realm. When I spoke with the president of the organization, Dorothy Yeung, a few days before attending the meeting, we had a long talk about my open adoption experience. She asked me if I would be willing to share my story with everyone at the meeting because it is consistent with their mission and what they are trying to accomplish. I was very excited to do it, but I was slightly hesitant because I knew that Saturday would be the most difficult day to talk about Deanna. When I arrived at the meeting, I was overwhelmed by the friendly welcoming I received. Many people already knew who I was, and I felt sort of like a celebrity! I decided to volunteer as the Media Relations Director for the chapter, and I couldn't be more excited about it. This stuff if right up my alley-- interacting with print, radio, and television media outlets, drafting pro-life letters and blogs in the Triangle area, building upon professional working relationships with media, writing press releases, coordinating press conferences, YES. At the very end of the meeting, I stood in front of the most passionate group of pro-life men, women, children and shared my open adoption experience and how I went from being a pregnant 18-year-old to (hopefully) an influential voice in the pro-life movement. I almost teared up at the end when I said that it was my daughter's birthday, but I held it together. It was an honor to be able to share such a personal experience with these amazing people. There are three things that have helped me to heal since July 11, 2005 -- faith in God and His plan for me, time, and helping others by sharing my open adoption story. Next to spending the day with Deanna on her birthday, spending the day sharing my story with Triangle Right to Life was actually the next best thing for me. It took my mind off of the hurt, and it reminded me that helping is healing. The highlight of my day was when a super nice lady at the meeting told me that a young woman at her church had been writing a play about open adoption when she read the News & Observer story. She was so moved by it that she used it as a tool when writing the play, which will be performed at Good Hope Baptist Church in Cary on September 19th. The play is about a young woman who gets pregnant and is trying to decide whether or not to place her daughter in an open adoption. The lady at the meeting asked me if I would be present at the play to say a few words about open adoption, and I gladly agreed. I couldn't be more excited about it! It's hard for me to believe how far I've come in just 4 years. I have been blessed with such incredible opportunities to touch lives and to open hearts to adoption, and I cannot wait to continue spreading the pro-life message in the Triangle. http://www.twitter.com/prolifetriangle

BIRTHDAY PICS

Pictures from Deanna's birthday! (Thanks De!) :)