Monday, March 16, 2009

During a recent meeting, we started talking about personality types. I vaguely remembered taking the Myers-Briggs personality test last spring, so I went home and found my old report. As I began reading the 2 page summary of my "type," I was astounded that I never really paid much attention to it until this point. I remember receiving it last year, glancing over it briefly, and then placing it in a binder to collect dust. But this time was different. I was searching for answers. How could four letters, ESFJ, categorize me into such a perfect nutshell. Could four letters really describe Amy Marie Hutton? I began reading. "ESFJ's are sociable," yes, true. "They have good communication skills and are usually quite tactful," good so far, but knew that already. Suddenly, I did a double-take when I got to the middle of the report. "ESFJ's strive to develop harmony in their relationships, and it is essential to their well-being. ESFJ's want harmony in their relationships, but they also want above all else to do the right thing, two goals which are not always compatible. ESFJ's can have too many "shoulds," which may lead to excessive amounts of guilt..." Well slap my knee and call me Charlie! I couldn't have said it better myself. The first thing I thought about was my struggle with deciding whether or not to place Deanna with her adoptive family. Maybe this is why I had such a hard time with my decision? Since I could not satisfy the desires of my family (who wanted me to keep Deanna), my well-being was diminished. Robbie's family, who already established a relationship with Deanna's prospective adopters, thought it would be best to allow them to raise Deanna, since Robbie and I were so young and unprepared for parenthood. I was stuck in the middle of two families, both who wanted the best for Deanna and myself, but by taking two completely different courses of action. i.e."two goals which are not always compatible." I really wanted to be that young mom who took my daughter everywhere, dressed her in adorable clothes, and proved everyone wrong who doubted my ability to raise this little girl. I know that I could have done it. But I also knew (deep down inside, and my stubbornness did not allow me admit this until now) that Deanna deserved a real family--a loving couple who were married, had great jobs, a home, a big yard, a dog, and a perfect life. A family who had everything they could have ever wanted--except a child. I almost felt selfish for wanting to keep Deanna. Here I was, a scared 18-year-old who had absolutely no intention of getting pregnant, knowing that this family had tried so long to have children and had prayed for nothing more than a healthy baby. It just didn't make sense. I'm not sure why people often say to me, "I never could have done what you did!" Is that a compliment? I'm not really sure. I understand now, more than ever, why people say parents will do anything for their children. I don't think you can really judge somebody else's decisions until you are in their shoes. I just hope Deanna looks back and realizes that I gave her more on the day she was born than I could have ever given her today. As Deanna gets older, I can't help but wonder if our personality types will be similar. I know that she is already showing signs of having the Type-A, go-get-em personality (compliments of Amy Hutton, yes?) and that she is just as mischievous as I was as a three and a half year old (example: the day she bit Hank's tail and blatantly denied it while spitting out a mouth full of fur). Only time will tell, but no matter what her "four letters" will be someday, if she turns out to be anything like the people I chose to raise her, I think she'll be in very good shape...


The Reality of Happily Ever After said...

You've got me crying! You are an incredible woman to share your story and be so honest! I love it and you inspire me... Look forward to reading more.

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